When “in the moment” your child is in his right brain, unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking. Image by cloois via Flickr

I wanted to share this email that I received from one of our online parenting class participants, who originally began studying my work to help kids in orphanages and found it was “ideal and needed” for her own family’s healing…

“Just want to say that
i love the course and that i’m getting a lot out of it. I have had some
really big breakthroughs on a personal level regarding my own trauma
growing up and how this has affected my parenting. I actually took this
parenting course just so that i could be a better mum to my biological
children (two boys aged 21-months and 4-yrs). I had suspected that my 4
year old has had trauma and it’s through doing this course and reading
Heather’s book and watching the DVDs that has highlighted this.

About his trauma:

When i fell pregnant it was a surprise and i cried as i felt really insecure, i also had a lot of anxiety and stress during my pregnancy. Then i had a c-section birth that was not planned as the babies heart rate dropped and i missed the initial birth bonding with him. But i think the biggest piece that happened to him was when i returned to work after taking extended leave when he was 9 months old. I hired a nanny at home and she was spending more time with him than me and he slowly but surely became more attached to her. It was very traumatic for my son and also for me too. This is when all the behaviors started getting worse. I can actually see the change in him when i look back over photos, it is huge and i never saw it at the time.

Shortly after i fell pregnant with my second child, i quit work and fired the nanny to became a full time mum at home. It took 2 years to bring back to life my relationship with my son who is now 4. I tried so many forms of parenting and they all failed long term.

Up until recently the behaviors i was experiencing were tantrums (lasting 1 to 2 hours) where i couldn’t console him, hyperactivity, not listening, lying, winging, being disobedient, hurting the family dog, stealing toys from his brother.

I now cherish the moments i have with my son and i have fallen back in love with him. I understood him better than anyone.

Since this online parenting course i have had many breakthroughs with him.

I give him therapeutic massage at night in bed and many nights have allowed him to sleep with me in my bed. He has been able to open up and talk to me about his fears. He is very sensitive and very emotional with a lot of energy. He gets overwhelmed easy and i am starting to see the triggers and signs. I am able to protect him when other family members put pressure on him with their own expectations and rules.

Recently he was triggered whilst in the care of family and he started acting out. He was hitting the dog and his baby brother and was told to stop it etc. After he got told off he was very disobedient and responded disrespectfully. As his punishment they put safety floats on his arms (as he cried and said no) and then threw him in the pool.

When i learned of this i was outraged and knew i had to deal with it face to face with the family member responsible. With my son i tried to get him in a time that was quiet and where we were both regulated and ask him what happened in a secure and safe place. I asked him on 3 different days and he seemed to have no memory of it and looked quite puzzled about what event i was talking about. It was only on the 4th time i asked him when i was giving him a massage on the legs and we were very close that he remembered the event and told me how frightened he was and how he didn’t want to go in the pool with all his clothes on. I gave him understanding, empathy and love. I apologized and reassured him it wouldn’t happen again etc.

I finally discussed it with the person. The energy from my son with that person was very strange, he looked with mistrusting eyes. Turns out the person was so sorry to hear that they scared him and that they’d never meant it that way. When asked what my parenting model was, i explained the BCI method so they could respect it in the future which was great.

When i talk in general with the family on my husbands side, they all keep saying they feel i’m over reacting and he is just a naughty 4 year old, they are not at all sensitive to his needs. It’s going to be a long road ahead but i’d much prefer to start now then later on when the problems are deeper etched and harder to deal with.

Thanks again for a great parenting course, i love the fact it keeps you on track each week and you stay focused to your goals because its so easy to slip back to old loops and that’s something i really want to avoid at all costs.” – an online parenting course participant

“When ‘in the moment’ with your child, your child is in his right
brain. He is emotional and he is unable to access his cognitive and
rational thinking (i.e., his left brain.) Asking him to tell you ‘why’
he is acting in this way is non-productive. Asking him to make a
‘choice’ is impossible. And asking him to ’stop’ is against nature.

Allow yourself to join your child in his dysregulated emotional
place. Let the rational thought and the life lesson follow later when
he is calm and more receptive. Join him in love and allow him the space
to be all he knows how to be for that very moment. ” ~ Heather Forbes,
LCSW

Online Parenting Class Testimonial from Karen Adams, Beyond Consequences Instructor

- Tell us a little about yourself

I am a bio mom of adult kids, a former special needs and therapeutic foster parent, and a new adoptive mom. I am choosing to adopt children from US foster care that are already “labeled” with diagnoses including RAD, PTSD, ADHD, FAS, Mental Retardation, Adjustment Disorder of Childhood.

- Why were you initially interested or intrigued by our parenting classes?

I was interested because I know that the more I immerse myself in this parenting paradigm, the better my life is.

- What caused you to take “a leap of faith,” so to speak, and try our class?

I’m actually a Beyond Consequences certified instructor myself! And I know that making a weekly “date” with myself to be encouraged, inspired, and educated is one of the best things I can do for myself and my kids.

- Are we meeting your expectations or exceeding them? How so?

The class is great. I like that the DVDs are watched outside of our meeting time, and we get to hear Heather speak personally on each topic, as well as getting the reinforcement of the pre-recorded materials. I had no idea that an online class could be this interactive, with streaming video and slide shows, etc. And I have taken other Beyond Consequences-based classes by telephone, and I have even taught college classes online. But none were as interactive as this one is.

- How would you describe the support you’ve gotten from us?

The support is genuine and very available. When I needed a “certificate” to show I was enrolled for my adoption agency file, Andrea produced it right away, and it is very professional looking.

- Overall why would you recommend our parenting class to others?

The information is crucial. The course will help you learn this parenting paradigm, whether you are brand new to it or coming for a refresher of something you have been for awhile now. The support and camaraderie will encourage and sustain you through the challenges in your parenting journey.

This is some of the best training you can invest in. It is not just about our kids–it is about us, as moms, as dads, as kinship carers, as foster parents, as child welfare workers, as *human beings*, embracing love in our lives and overcoming fears.

~ Karen Adams, BCI Certified Instructor

Image by ? João Lima via Flickr

Online Parenting Class Testimonial from Margie & Rick Magar

- Tell us a little about yourself

We are Christian parents of a 15-year-old birth-daughter who we have home schooled for 9 years. We felt God’s call in our hearts this past November (2008) to adopt a child from the US Foster Care system. We are currently waiting to hear back on a potential match.

- Why were you initially interested or intrigued by our parenting classes?

We had done enough reading about children who had come from backgrounds of abuse and neglect to be sufficiently scared into finding out how to create an environment of peace, healing and love for the child and get them to a place of trust where they could integrate into our family and become a productive member of society.

- What caused you to take “a leap of faith,” so to speak, and try our class?

Beyond Consequences was recommended to us by our Project 1.27 Adoption Process Manager and was also praised by our Bethany Christian Services 
social worker.

I bought the books (Volumes 1 & 2) back in February and signed up for the email list. We were unable to attend the March training in Denver, so when my husband and I saw the online course,logistically speaking, it was a no-brainer.

- Are we meeting your expectations or exceeding them? How so?

You are exceeding our expectations just by conducting an online Webinar! My husband works from home on Wednesdays, so we both get the training simultaneously with me on the computer and him on an extension in his office. We then discuss what we learned afterward over lunch.
The second session with the “Cheerios” role play really hit home for my husband. Hearing a live reenactment of a possible scenario with our new child and what that really sounds like made a strong impression on him and changed the “theory” into “reality.”

- How would you describe the support you’ve gotten from us?

We haven’t needed much support ourselves since we are still waiting for our child and all this is still “theoretical” for us, but we definitely see the incredible support you give members of the group via the online chat, online phone sharing, email and Ning group.

- Overall why would you recommend our parenting class to others?

The Beyond Consequences model is refreshingly different from most of the scary, hopeless books we read on attachment disorders and ways to address childrens’ behaviors.

Since Beyond Consequences is love-based and helps you see your child as operating from a place of fear rather than a place of evil manipulation, it is full of hope for healing by not feeding more fear into an already fearful child, but by looking at your child and parenting style from a perspective of love, understanding and connection.

It’s cutting-edge and a must read/attend
for all adoptive parents!

Blessings,
Rick & Margie Magar, Foster Parents and soon-to-be Adoptive Parents

Image by CokeeOrg via Flickr

As I sat down this month to write my eNewsletter, I began reading questions that had been submitted by parents online. My son was sitting with me so I asked him what advice he would give parents (my son was adopted as a toddler and is now 15 years old). His insight was beautiful so I’d like to share that with you in this eNewsletter (with his permission, of course) and leave the questions for next month.

Ben, my son, talked about abandonment. He shared how incredibly painful abandonment is for children and how it will always be the biggest piece in his history and in the history of other children who have experienced a break in their relationship with their biological parents.

Here are his words, “Abandonment is the worst possible thing that can happen to you, EVER! Even going to jail is better then being abandoned because at least you fit in there and you’re getting attention. Anything is better than being abandoned.”

Wow! I might be biased, but I thought this was incredibly insightful. If going to jail is better in his eyes than being abandoned, then this truly has to be the worst possible experience for anyone. And if you knew my son and his personality type, the point he was making would be even stronger.

Ben has a “Lion” personality (see Volume 2, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control) and is the type of child who cannot be controlled. He despises being told what to do and how to do it (exactly why I have had to parent him in the Beyond Consequences model). Yet, going to jail and losing this freedom would still be better than the abandonment experience that resides in his heart. Now that is powerful!

He talked about how parents need to understand this dynamic with their children and how giving them understanding and support is critical to their well-being. Not trying to fix it but just being present, is the best thing they can do to provide a supportive and loving environment for their children.

Ben’s point was so on target because the desire for life-long connection is much more than just a desire or a want. It is literally a biological need within us. Science is showing that we are hard-wired as a species to live in community and be in relationships. Relationships ensure our survival. We literally die or go insane if we are not connected to one another.

If your child has experienced abandonment, his need for connection is magnified more than most children, yet at the same time, he is going to be scared of this connection. It is a difficult place to live: needing connection yet being terrified of it at the same time. What your child needs most from you is a relationship with you. Your relationship with him needs to be the number one priority in all interactions with him, which means setting the negative behaviors aside for the moment and giving your child unconditional love in times of heightened stress and behavioral outbursts.

Stay focused on your relationship as this will prevent more abandonment experiences for your child and it’s there that you will be providing the healing connection he or she needs!

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control