Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors

Recorded Webinar Dec 10, 2009. The videos below have been saved in a format that will allow all users regardless of internet connection speed to watch. However, there is some loss of quality.

You can also download the Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Powerpoint and listen online or download the full Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Complete Audio Recording - scroll to the bottom and click on the photo of Heather & Andrea to play the audio.

To be notified of future free webinars so you can attend live and get your questions answered, sign up with your email address using the form to the upper left (below the white flower).

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “The Importance of Connection” with Heather T Forbes, LCSW

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Free Stuff on BeyondConsequences.com” w/ Heather T Forbes, LCSW

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “What is Social Media? – Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Facebook” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other BCI Parents on HeatherTForbes.net” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Twitter & Yahoo Groups” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Facebook Q & A” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents additional Q & A” w/ Andrea Tannouri (Please note that you CAN make your Tweets private, and only available to people who follow you – but I’m not sure if re-tweeted updates are protected so better to be on the safe side!)

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Closing Remarks” Heather T Forbes, LCSW

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Live Chat w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Ning site” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Have questions or comments? Feel free to post them below and we’ll answer!

You can also download the Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Powerpoint and listen to  the full Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Complete Audio Recording by clicking Play Now, Play in Popup or Download below the picture of Heather & Andrea.

For Immediate Release

In this economy, free doesn’t usually get you much. But mom, licensed clinical social worker, and best selling author Heather T. Forbes is offering parents a free full day seminar on parenting. Forbes’ book Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, A Love Based approach to Helping attachment-Challenged Children  with Severe Behaviors,  leads the adoption section in sales on Amazon and outlines the parenting paradigm she seeks to share.

The mother of two children adopted from Russia, Heather gave up a career as an architect and went back to school to get her Masters in Social Work when presented with challenging behaviors from her children. She learned, in her journey with her own kids, that parenting that is reactive to a child’s negative behaviors, does not help the child’s healing, nor better the relationship between parent and child. Rather, reactive parenting is parenting from a place of fear. So the parent who says to a dysregulated child “You will not talk to me that way” and expects the child to be able to respond appropriately may be disappointed.

“Parenting should always be done from a place of love and not fear,” says Forbes. “Our children are our greatest treasure and their own trauma histories and dysreglation need to be addressed with unconditional love in order to make our lives as parents better and to improve our families’ lives.”

Forbes offers training seminars across the US as well as online Beyond Consequences parenting webinars. But her gift back to the community in an effort to get the word out on this parenting model is to offer these conferences free in at least 8 major cities across the country each year. Over 500,000 children are currently in foster care in the United States and over 130,000 children are adopted each year in this country. Each child comes with his or her own history which often includes trauma and neglect. These children and their families need support and Beyond Consequences provides a practical and loving model for parenting.

The San Francisco Beyond Consequences Live event will be held on Saturday, Nov 14th . More information and free registration is available at http://www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com

For more information or to arrange an interview with Heather T. Forbes, contact Moya Smith or Joy Mangels at 407-965-1131.
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Saturday, November 14th, 2009
9:00 am – 4:00 pm
Help One Child
858 University Avenue
Los Altos, CA 94024

Register for FREE at: www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com

Beyond Consequences Institute, 1630A 30th Street, #488, Boulder, CO 80301

I was born and raised in Vero Beach, Florida. I grew up with three older brothers and a fraternal twin sister. The best memories of my childhood are going to the beach, riding horses, and visiting with my grandparents.

Yet, apart from these good memories, memories of growing up with little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents and feelings of being “invisible” within a family system are even more prevalent. (And I share this with you because these difficult memories are an important part of who I am today and why I am so passionate about the work that I do). As a child, I found connection and validation through academics and graduated at the top of my class. Following high school, I attended the University of Florida and earned a bachelor’s degree in architecture and a master’s in construction management.

After working for ten years in the field of architecture, I woke up one morning with this pulling desire to be a parent. Due to numerous health issues and operations in my past (all a result of growing up in a stressful environment), adoption became the way to motherhood. Following countless phone calls and long nights working on paperwork, four months later I found myself in Russia meeting my son, an adorable 2 ½ year old little boy.

This was a major turning point in my life. Motherhood became the most difficult task I had ever undertaken. I had accomplished any goal I set my mind to in the past. Focus, self-discipline, and pure determination had been my tools to success. Yet, in the first six months of motherhood, nothing I had used in the past was working. Nothing-nothing was working. In fact, it was only getting worse.

Out of pure insanity or complete denial, I was in Russia a year and a half later, adopting again! This time I was meeting my daughter, a beautiful 4-year-old little girl. She was completely different, yet in the back of my mind, I kept hearing, “She’s too good…there is something very wrong here.”

As you can imagine, I had created quite a situation within a very short amount of time. After late nights of research, consultations with “experts,” and at least 200 books on attachment and bonding, I was still at a complete loss of how to bring peace into our home.

Late nights of research turned into late nights of curling up on the bathroom floor, crying in a complete state of helplessness. Yes, I’ve been there on the floor with you, feeling terrified of the future and feeling as if life was no longer worth living!

I decided that since I was doing all this research, I should return to school and change my career path. Looking back, I was simply returning to the environment that I knew in my early years that had sustained me through stress–academia. I earned a master of social work and sought training in the area of attachment and bonding.

After working to first change myself and the interpretation of my children’s behaviors, I was then able to parent in a whole new way. It also required intensive healing of my past childhood experiences in order to be able to become emotionally available to my children’s pain and fear. I came to realize that if you want to change something in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. And when you look to make this change, it takes doing it with love.

It took learning to love myself. First, though, it required a true understanding of the essence of love. We cannot give something we don’t understand or something we have not yet received. Loving yourself is the key to being able to love others unconditionally, without requirements. This is especially essential to parenting a child with a trauma history who simply does not have the capacity to receive love or reciprocate love due to the intensity of his/her internal pain and fear.

When unconditional love is put into action, it truly is the “cure” to creating peace in the home. It simply takes learning how to put it into action. Traditional parenting techniques are fraught with fear, disguised as love. Shifting your perspective to allow the light of love to overcome the darkness of fear is the only way.

My children are teenagers now and I have a wonderful relationship with both of them (How many parents do you know with teenagers who actually enjoy their company?). My children are more emotionally intelligent than most adults and they understand the dynamics of human interactions beyond their years. Their early experiences of abandonment, abuse, and neglect have been integrated into who they are and they are better individuals today because of their pasts. That’s the power of love!

If you are struggling with the effects of trauma in your home, I want this level of healing for you. I am passionate about providing the resources and understanding you need to make your family work for you. It is hard work. It is a journey of commitment and tenacity. Yet, it is what life is about – loving relationships. You aren’t living unless you are emotionally attuned to both yourself and to those around you.

I am committed to helping families and changing the false traditional interpretation of how to love and discipline children. There is a way to pull out of the depth of pain that resides in so many families (and perhaps your family). I hope you’ll join me on this journey to bring love back into a world that is living in too much fear and pain. Love never fails!

As I continue to grow in my own process, learning and experiencing love to a greater level each day, I am including in this month’s eNewsletter my latest reflections. Sometimes we have to step back from the grind of it all and reposition ourselves from a broader perspective. Sometimes simple statements of the truth can have a greater impact than lengthy dissertations of examples. I shared these reflections with the ladies who attended my Mom’s Conference last weekend and received positive feedback. I hope you enjoy them as much as they did.

But if you were looking for a Q&A this month, you’re still in luck. My new book, “Dare to Love,” is filled with questions and answers. If you’re struggling to make Beyond Consequences work in your home, I know this book will be the key to peace and love in your home.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control

P.S. Check out this month’s Ask the Expert interview with C.C. Nuckols. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/ccnuckols/

Disrupted Circadian Rhythms

Q: My foster son is 14 years old and has been in our home for 2 years. Since being with us, he has been sporadic in his sleep habits, but in the last year, it has gotten worse. His eating patterns are chaotic and he just seems completely out of balance. I’m trying to keep a regular and predictable schedule for him but this just isn’t working.

A: For any teenager, and especially for teenagers with traumatic histories, their circadian rhythms are disrupted. Circadian rhythms are the daily rhythms in the body that keep you balanced at a physiological level. They help you wake up and calm you down around sleep, they give you indicators as to when to eat, and they provide several other sensory experiences.

Circadian rhythms are naturally disrupted during the teenage years. For your foster son with a traumatic history, these rhythms were disrupted even before becoming a teenager due to environmental stressors, which means that now, during his teenage years, they are intensely disrupted.

The result is a son who needs to sleep at all hours of the day, eats in an unpredictable fashion, and simply operates in a disrupted physiological state. It is not a choice for him. It is simply how his body is operating at this developmental stage in his life; it is his inherent biological rhythm.

Parenting him will take understanding this biological principle. The next time your son has a hard time waking up at six o’clock in the morning, realize that his biological clock is telling him to sleep until noon. This is not resistance or defiance. It is simply how he is programmed at this stage in his life. Having this understanding will give you more patience and allow you to support him more as he struggles through life right now.

When trying to wake him up, tell him you understand how hard it must be for him. Many times we are so rushed in the morning that we focus solely on the logistics of getting ready, eating breakfast, and getting to the bus on time. Take a few minutes to connect with him, offer understanding, and allow him emotional space to be grumpy and resistant. As you focus on staying in relationship with him, he will have a greater ability to respond to you in a positive way when you ultimately have to say, “Okay, honey, we really have to get going now.”

Do some research on circadian rhythms and share it with him. Perhaps he will even sit down with you at the computer when you google this information. When he sees you taking interest in understanding him, it will speak volumes to him. As he begins to understand what is going on within his own body, he won’t have to feel as if there is something wrong with him.

Of course, as with most teenagers, he will be clever to use this in his favor. When you need him to get up and go to school, his response might be something like, “I can’t get up. It’ s my circadian rhythms!” This is where you have a brilliant opportunity to teach him how to not fall into being a victim to his biology. Through the power of his mind, he has the ability to overcome even the toughest of obstacles. As a foster child, I am certain he has had numerous experiences of feeling powerless. Empower him to take back his personal power and make his life work for him.

You mentioned you have been setting a schedule, which can sometimes be helpful. A scheduled external world can influence a child’s “internal world” to become more regular. There is however, a clarification I want to add to this. There is a huge difference between predictable schedule and rigid schedule. Too often, parents create a schedule for their family, yet set it into stone. This creates a rigid environment with little tolerance for the smallest variation. Rigidity is the first sign of death! So set a schedule, but in moderation allow for flexibility.

Yet, you mentioned that this has not helped. Your son may need to set his own schedule. Empower him to take charge of his body by having him set up a schedule for himself. If he feels as if he has some control over his daily life, he will be more motivated. No one likes being told what to do and when to do it, especially teenagers.

There are certain “must-do” events in everyday that he will not have control over (such as when to be at school, when to be at basketball practice, etc.). Yet, the other times of the day, help him learn how to plan out his daily life. Besides helping him to feel like he has some control over his life, you are teaching him a valuable tool that many adults have yet to master. Some teens may be too dysregulated to follow the actual plan, but you are at least helping them to begin the process and it is giving him time to process ahead of time his daily life.

Most importantly, when you stay in a place of understanding, decreasing the level of frustration you bring into your interactions with him, you are providing a healthier and safer environment within the context of your relationship with him. This is the most effective “tool” you have available. Your loving influence, wrapped with understanding, will help him establish more consistent rhythms within his body.

Press on!

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control Vol 1, 2 and Dare to Love