When “in the moment” your child is in his right brain, unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking. Image by cloois via Flickr

I wanted to share this email that I received from one of our online parenting class participants, who originally began studying my work to help kids in orphanages and found it was “ideal and needed” for her own family’s healing…

“Just want to say that
i love the course and that i’m getting a lot out of it. I have had some
really big breakthroughs on a personal level regarding my own trauma
growing up and how this has affected my parenting. I actually took this
parenting course just so that i could be a better mum to my biological
children (two boys aged 21-months and 4-yrs). I had suspected that my 4
year old has had trauma and it’s through doing this course and reading
Heather’s book and watching the DVDs that has highlighted this.

About his trauma:

When i fell pregnant it was a surprise and i cried as i felt really insecure, i also had a lot of anxiety and stress during my pregnancy. Then i had a c-section birth that was not planned as the babies heart rate dropped and i missed the initial birth bonding with him. But i think the biggest piece that happened to him was when i returned to work after taking extended leave when he was 9 months old. I hired a nanny at home and she was spending more time with him than me and he slowly but surely became more attached to her. It was very traumatic for my son and also for me too. This is when all the behaviors started getting worse. I can actually see the change in him when i look back over photos, it is huge and i never saw it at the time.

Shortly after i fell pregnant with my second child, i quit work and fired the nanny to became a full time mum at home. It took 2 years to bring back to life my relationship with my son who is now 4. I tried so many forms of parenting and they all failed long term.

Up until recently the behaviors i was experiencing were tantrums (lasting 1 to 2 hours) where i couldn’t console him, hyperactivity, not listening, lying, winging, being disobedient, hurting the family dog, stealing toys from his brother.

I now cherish the moments i have with my son and i have fallen back in love with him. I understood him better than anyone.

Since this online parenting course i have had many breakthroughs with him.

I give him therapeutic massage at night in bed and many nights have allowed him to sleep with me in my bed. He has been able to open up and talk to me about his fears. He is very sensitive and very emotional with a lot of energy. He gets overwhelmed easy and i am starting to see the triggers and signs. I am able to protect him when other family members put pressure on him with their own expectations and rules.

Recently he was triggered whilst in the care of family and he started acting out. He was hitting the dog and his baby brother and was told to stop it etc. After he got told off he was very disobedient and responded disrespectfully. As his punishment they put safety floats on his arms (as he cried and said no) and then threw him in the pool.

When i learned of this i was outraged and knew i had to deal with it face to face with the family member responsible. With my son i tried to get him in a time that was quiet and where we were both regulated and ask him what happened in a secure and safe place. I asked him on 3 different days and he seemed to have no memory of it and looked quite puzzled about what event i was talking about. It was only on the 4th time i asked him when i was giving him a massage on the legs and we were very close that he remembered the event and told me how frightened he was and how he didn’t want to go in the pool with all his clothes on. I gave him understanding, empathy and love. I apologized and reassured him it wouldn’t happen again etc.

I finally discussed it with the person. The energy from my son with that person was very strange, he looked with mistrusting eyes. Turns out the person was so sorry to hear that they scared him and that they’d never meant it that way. When asked what my parenting model was, i explained the BCI method so they could respect it in the future which was great.

When i talk in general with the family on my husbands side, they all keep saying they feel i’m over reacting and he is just a naughty 4 year old, they are not at all sensitive to his needs. It’s going to be a long road ahead but i’d much prefer to start now then later on when the problems are deeper etched and harder to deal with.

Thanks again for a great parenting course, i love the fact it keeps you on track each week and you stay focused to your goals because its so easy to slip back to old loops and that’s something i really want to avoid at all costs.” – an online parenting course participant

“When ‘in the moment’ with your child, your child is in his right
brain. He is emotional and he is unable to access his cognitive and
rational thinking (i.e., his left brain.) Asking him to tell you ‘why’
he is acting in this way is non-productive. Asking him to make a
‘choice’ is impossible. And asking him to ’stop’ is against nature.

Allow yourself to join your child in his dysregulated emotional
place. Let the rational thought and the life lesson follow later when
he is calm and more receptive. Join him in love and allow him the space
to be all he knows how to be for that very moment. ” ~ Heather Forbes,
LCSW

Disrupted Circadian Rhythms

Q: My foster son is 14 years old and has been in our home for 2 years. Since being with us, he has been sporadic in his sleep habits, but in the last year, it has gotten worse. His eating patterns are chaotic and he just seems completely out of balance. I’m trying to keep a regular and predictable schedule for him but this just isn’t working.

A: For any teenager, and especially for teenagers with traumatic histories, their circadian rhythms are disrupted. Circadian rhythms are the daily rhythms in the body that keep you balanced at a physiological level. They help you wake up and calm you down around sleep, they give you indicators as to when to eat, and they provide several other sensory experiences.

Circadian rhythms are naturally disrupted during the teenage years. For your foster son with a traumatic history, these rhythms were disrupted even before becoming a teenager due to environmental stressors, which means that now, during his teenage years, they are intensely disrupted.

The result is a son who needs to sleep at all hours of the day, eats in an unpredictable fashion, and simply operates in a disrupted physiological state. It is not a choice for him. It is simply how his body is operating at this developmental stage in his life; it is his inherent biological rhythm.

Parenting him will take understanding this biological principle. The next time your son has a hard time waking up at six o’clock in the morning, realize that his biological clock is telling him to sleep until noon. This is not resistance or defiance. It is simply how he is programmed at this stage in his life. Having this understanding will give you more patience and allow you to support him more as he struggles through life right now.

When trying to wake him up, tell him you understand how hard it must be for him. Many times we are so rushed in the morning that we focus solely on the logistics of getting ready, eating breakfast, and getting to the bus on time. Take a few minutes to connect with him, offer understanding, and allow him emotional space to be grumpy and resistant. As you focus on staying in relationship with him, he will have a greater ability to respond to you in a positive way when you ultimately have to say, “Okay, honey, we really have to get going now.”

Do some research on circadian rhythms and share it with him. Perhaps he will even sit down with you at the computer when you google this information. When he sees you taking interest in understanding him, it will speak volumes to him. As he begins to understand what is going on within his own body, he won’t have to feel as if there is something wrong with him.

Of course, as with most teenagers, he will be clever to use this in his favor. When you need him to get up and go to school, his response might be something like, “I can’t get up. It’ s my circadian rhythms!” This is where you have a brilliant opportunity to teach him how to not fall into being a victim to his biology. Through the power of his mind, he has the ability to overcome even the toughest of obstacles. As a foster child, I am certain he has had numerous experiences of feeling powerless. Empower him to take back his personal power and make his life work for him.

You mentioned you have been setting a schedule, which can sometimes be helpful. A scheduled external world can influence a child’s “internal world” to become more regular. There is however, a clarification I want to add to this. There is a huge difference between predictable schedule and rigid schedule. Too often, parents create a schedule for their family, yet set it into stone. This creates a rigid environment with little tolerance for the smallest variation. Rigidity is the first sign of death! So set a schedule, but in moderation allow for flexibility.

Yet, you mentioned that this has not helped. Your son may need to set his own schedule. Empower him to take charge of his body by having him set up a schedule for himself. If he feels as if he has some control over his daily life, he will be more motivated. No one likes being told what to do and when to do it, especially teenagers.

There are certain “must-do” events in everyday that he will not have control over (such as when to be at school, when to be at basketball practice, etc.). Yet, the other times of the day, help him learn how to plan out his daily life. Besides helping him to feel like he has some control over his life, you are teaching him a valuable tool that many adults have yet to master. Some teens may be too dysregulated to follow the actual plan, but you are at least helping them to begin the process and it is giving him time to process ahead of time his daily life.

Most importantly, when you stay in a place of understanding, decreasing the level of frustration you bring into your interactions with him, you are providing a healthier and safer environment within the context of your relationship with him. This is the most effective “tool” you have available. Your loving influence, wrapped with understanding, will help him establish more consistent rhythms within his body.

Press on!

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control Vol 1, 2 and Dare to Love