Dr. Bruce Perry Interviewed by Heather T. Forbes, LCSW on the Dare To Love Parenting Podcast!

Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. is the Senior Fellow of
The ChildTrauma Academy, a not-for-profit organization
based in Houston that promotes innovations in service,
research and education in child maltreatment and
childhood trauma (www.ChildTrauma.org). Dr. Perry
is the co-author of The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog:
What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss,
Love and Healing. Dr. Perry has been an active teacher,
clinician and researcher in children’s mental health and
the neurosciences holding a variety of academic positions.

Listen in as we discuss developmental neuroscience,
the stress response system, and how trauma affects a
child’s development. Dr. Perry speaks directly to the
misunderstandings surrounding the issues of children and
trauma. This is one of the most informative interviews I’ve
had to date, so you’ll want to make sure you don’t miss this one!

Feedback from the most recent Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Class graduates:

Join us for the next course, starting January 6th!

Attend the first session free, no coupon needed, by registering here or sign up for the full course now at http://www.beyondconsequencesonline.com

Heather-

I really didn’t know what type of conference I was going to when my friend asked me to attend with her. I felt I couldn’t go wrong seeing it was free and all I needed was a book, not bad I love to read! So I really didn’t have anything to lose right?

I have already been to therapists that have basically said,” my daughter is the way she is because of me”.

I didn’t and don’t understand this as I adopted her when she was four, she’s now 5 and had her as a foster child since she was three (a short life filled with disappointment, neglect, and no attachments to adults or otherwise). I felt I was doing right by her as I parented her the same way I parent my other children (3 biological and 2 adopted). After attending your conference in Los Altos I had a better understanding of her, of me, of the crisis in our family.

I want to THANK YOU! Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for giving me a better understanding of the behaviors my daughter exhibits. I never realized that she was and is behaving this way because of stress, fear and not being “regulated”.  I didn’t even know that regulate and dysregulated existed.  I have often thought that she knows what she is doing is wrong, she is purposely manipulating me, my husband and our family.  But all the while she is “acting out” because it’s the only way she knows how to express herself. This is her way of coping with her scary and uncertain world.

I have worked for the last couple of days really paying attention to when she “acts out”.  It’s important to see what situations are a trigger for her. And then working through them instead of negatively reacting to them.  I know that healing our family is going to take time. As I see it all I have is time for my family and I’m totally devoted to healing us.

Thank you again!

Sincerely,
Kelly Howard (In Picture:  Ryan 8 Krista 5 Tristan 3 and me! Pumpkin Patch 2009)

I was born and raised in Vero Beach, Florida. I grew up with three older brothers and a fraternal twin sister. The best memories of my childhood are going to the beach, riding horses, and visiting with my grandparents.

Yet, apart from these good memories, memories of growing up with little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents and feelings of being “invisible” within a family system are even more prevalent. (And I share this with you because these difficult memories are an important part of who I am today and why I am so passionate about the work that I do). As a child, I found connection and validation through academics and graduated at the top of my class. Following high school, I attended the University of Florida and earned a bachelor’s degree in architecture and a master’s in construction management.

After working for ten years in the field of architecture, I woke up one morning with this pulling desire to be a parent. Due to numerous health issues and operations in my past (all a result of growing up in a stressful environment), adoption became the way to motherhood. Following countless phone calls and long nights working on paperwork, four months later I found myself in Russia meeting my son, an adorable 2 ½ year old little boy.

This was a major turning point in my life. Motherhood became the most difficult task I had ever undertaken. I had accomplished any goal I set my mind to in the past. Focus, self-discipline, and pure determination had been my tools to success. Yet, in the first six months of motherhood, nothing I had used in the past was working. Nothing-nothing was working. In fact, it was only getting worse.

Out of pure insanity or complete denial, I was in Russia a year and a half later, adopting again! This time I was meeting my daughter, a beautiful 4-year-old little girl. She was completely different, yet in the back of my mind, I kept hearing, “She’s too good…there is something very wrong here.”

As you can imagine, I had created quite a situation within a very short amount of time. After late nights of research, consultations with “experts,” and at least 200 books on attachment and bonding, I was still at a complete loss of how to bring peace into our home.

Late nights of research turned into late nights of curling up on the bathroom floor, crying in a complete state of helplessness. Yes, I’ve been there on the floor with you, feeling terrified of the future and feeling as if life was no longer worth living!

I decided that since I was doing all this research, I should return to school and change my career path. Looking back, I was simply returning to the environment that I knew in my early years that had sustained me through stress–academia. I earned a master of social work and sought training in the area of attachment and bonding.

After working to first change myself and the interpretation of my children’s behaviors, I was then able to parent in a whole new way. It also required intensive healing of my past childhood experiences in order to be able to become emotionally available to my children’s pain and fear. I came to realize that if you want to change something in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. And when you look to make this change, it takes doing it with love.

It took learning to love myself. First, though, it required a true understanding of the essence of love. We cannot give something we don’t understand or something we have not yet received. Loving yourself is the key to being able to love others unconditionally, without requirements. This is especially essential to parenting a child with a trauma history who simply does not have the capacity to receive love or reciprocate love due to the intensity of his/her internal pain and fear.

When unconditional love is put into action, it truly is the “cure” to creating peace in the home. It simply takes learning how to put it into action. Traditional parenting techniques are fraught with fear, disguised as love. Shifting your perspective to allow the light of love to overcome the darkness of fear is the only way.

My children are teenagers now and I have a wonderful relationship with both of them (How many parents do you know with teenagers who actually enjoy their company?). My children are more emotionally intelligent than most adults and they understand the dynamics of human interactions beyond their years. Their early experiences of abandonment, abuse, and neglect have been integrated into who they are and they are better individuals today because of their pasts. That’s the power of love!

If you are struggling with the effects of trauma in your home, I want this level of healing for you. I am passionate about providing the resources and understanding you need to make your family work for you. It is hard work. It is a journey of commitment and tenacity. Yet, it is what life is about – loving relationships. You aren’t living unless you are emotionally attuned to both yourself and to those around you.

I am committed to helping families and changing the false traditional interpretation of how to love and discipline children. There is a way to pull out of the depth of pain that resides in so many families (and perhaps your family). I hope you’ll join me on this journey to bring love back into a world that is living in too much fear and pain. Love never fails!

When “in the moment” your child is in his right brain, unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking. Image by cloois via Flickr

I wanted to share this email that I received from one of our online parenting class participants, who originally began studying my work to help kids in orphanages and found it was “ideal and needed” for her own family’s healing…

“Just want to say that
i love the course and that i’m getting a lot out of it. I have had some
really big breakthroughs on a personal level regarding my own trauma
growing up and how this has affected my parenting. I actually took this
parenting course just so that i could be a better mum to my biological
children (two boys aged 21-months and 4-yrs). I had suspected that my 4
year old has had trauma and it’s through doing this course and reading
Heather’s book and watching the DVDs that has highlighted this.

About his trauma:

When i fell pregnant it was a surprise and i cried as i felt really insecure, i also had a lot of anxiety and stress during my pregnancy. Then i had a c-section birth that was not planned as the babies heart rate dropped and i missed the initial birth bonding with him. But i think the biggest piece that happened to him was when i returned to work after taking extended leave when he was 9 months old. I hired a nanny at home and she was spending more time with him than me and he slowly but surely became more attached to her. It was very traumatic for my son and also for me too. This is when all the behaviors started getting worse. I can actually see the change in him when i look back over photos, it is huge and i never saw it at the time.

Shortly after i fell pregnant with my second child, i quit work and fired the nanny to became a full time mum at home. It took 2 years to bring back to life my relationship with my son who is now 4. I tried so many forms of parenting and they all failed long term.

Up until recently the behaviors i was experiencing were tantrums (lasting 1 to 2 hours) where i couldn’t console him, hyperactivity, not listening, lying, winging, being disobedient, hurting the family dog, stealing toys from his brother.

I now cherish the moments i have with my son and i have fallen back in love with him. I understood him better than anyone.

Since this online parenting course i have had many breakthroughs with him.

I give him therapeutic massage at night in bed and many nights have allowed him to sleep with me in my bed. He has been able to open up and talk to me about his fears. He is very sensitive and very emotional with a lot of energy. He gets overwhelmed easy and i am starting to see the triggers and signs. I am able to protect him when other family members put pressure on him with their own expectations and rules.

Recently he was triggered whilst in the care of family and he started acting out. He was hitting the dog and his baby brother and was told to stop it etc. After he got told off he was very disobedient and responded disrespectfully. As his punishment they put safety floats on his arms (as he cried and said no) and then threw him in the pool.

When i learned of this i was outraged and knew i had to deal with it face to face with the family member responsible. With my son i tried to get him in a time that was quiet and where we were both regulated and ask him what happened in a secure and safe place. I asked him on 3 different days and he seemed to have no memory of it and looked quite puzzled about what event i was talking about. It was only on the 4th time i asked him when i was giving him a massage on the legs and we were very close that he remembered the event and told me how frightened he was and how he didn’t want to go in the pool with all his clothes on. I gave him understanding, empathy and love. I apologized and reassured him it wouldn’t happen again etc.

I finally discussed it with the person. The energy from my son with that person was very strange, he looked with mistrusting eyes. Turns out the person was so sorry to hear that they scared him and that they’d never meant it that way. When asked what my parenting model was, i explained the BCI method so they could respect it in the future which was great.

When i talk in general with the family on my husbands side, they all keep saying they feel i’m over reacting and he is just a naughty 4 year old, they are not at all sensitive to his needs. It’s going to be a long road ahead but i’d much prefer to start now then later on when the problems are deeper etched and harder to deal with.

Thanks again for a great parenting course, i love the fact it keeps you on track each week and you stay focused to your goals because its so easy to slip back to old loops and that’s something i really want to avoid at all costs.” – an online parenting course participant

“When ‘in the moment’ with your child, your child is in his right
brain. He is emotional and he is unable to access his cognitive and
rational thinking (i.e., his left brain.) Asking him to tell you ‘why’
he is acting in this way is non-productive. Asking him to make a
‘choice’ is impossible. And asking him to ’stop’ is against nature.

Allow yourself to join your child in his dysregulated emotional
place. Let the rational thought and the life lesson follow later when
he is calm and more receptive. Join him in love and allow him the space
to be all he knows how to be for that very moment. ” ~ Heather Forbes,
LCSW

Heather and Andrea,

At the beginning I was skeptical about the Beyond Consequences method.

I believe there is no “magic wand” that you can wave, and everything is roses (with no thorns).

However, the more I learn the practical side of applying this model, and the thoughts and heart processes behind it, the more I find that it DOES work in every situation of life. I have found very few “helps” out there that show you in a practical way how to love through the difficulties. You have helped me to get over “myself”, but not in a “poor old me” or “walk all over me” kind of way. I’m beginning to understand how our brains and bodies are affected by stress, trauma and certain copying mechanisms we embrace.

You have helped me to face myself, embrace who I am, and then move forward with loving others where they are. This has not only revolutionized how I relate with my “challenging” child, but also with my “no problems” child, my husband, and even my coworkers. You say this method works for raising children who have experienced trauma, and also for what some would call the “good” child.

I believe the message you are bringing goes beyond parenting, and can heal relationships between spouses, with parents, friends… Love never fails…

This is a message for all people, in all walks of life, and in all cultures.

Having a training that is consistent week after week has helped me to make a “habit” out of approaching life through relational eyes, instead of just “logical” thinking. Thanks for making a difference!

June

Online Parenting Class Testimonial from Karen Adams, Beyond Consequences Instructor

- Tell us a little about yourself

I am a bio mom of adult kids, a former special needs and therapeutic foster parent, and a new adoptive mom. I am choosing to adopt children from US foster care that are already “labeled” with diagnoses including RAD, PTSD, ADHD, FAS, Mental Retardation, Adjustment Disorder of Childhood.

- Why were you initially interested or intrigued by our parenting classes?

I was interested because I know that the more I immerse myself in this parenting paradigm, the better my life is.

- What caused you to take “a leap of faith,” so to speak, and try our class?

I’m actually a Beyond Consequences certified instructor myself! And I know that making a weekly “date” with myself to be encouraged, inspired, and educated is one of the best things I can do for myself and my kids.

- Are we meeting your expectations or exceeding them? How so?

The class is great. I like that the DVDs are watched outside of our meeting time, and we get to hear Heather speak personally on each topic, as well as getting the reinforcement of the pre-recorded materials. I had no idea that an online class could be this interactive, with streaming video and slide shows, etc. And I have taken other Beyond Consequences-based classes by telephone, and I have even taught college classes online. But none were as interactive as this one is.

- How would you describe the support you’ve gotten from us?

The support is genuine and very available. When I needed a “certificate” to show I was enrolled for my adoption agency file, Andrea produced it right away, and it is very professional looking.

- Overall why would you recommend our parenting class to others?

The information is crucial. The course will help you learn this parenting paradigm, whether you are brand new to it or coming for a refresher of something you have been for awhile now. The support and camaraderie will encourage and sustain you through the challenges in your parenting journey.

This is some of the best training you can invest in. It is not just about our kids–it is about us, as moms, as dads, as kinship carers, as foster parents, as child welfare workers, as *human beings*, embracing love in our lives and overcoming fears.

~ Karen Adams, BCI Certified Instructor

Image by tapperboy via Flickr

“My husband Reed and I are parents of Courtney, age 10, adopted from Belarus at age 12 months. I’ve been familiar with the Beyond Consequences Institute parenting paradigm for about a year, but it didn’t really click until I attended a BCI Live presentation last spring. There’s nothing like seeing this method in action and actually being able to role play scenarios that might happen with your child.

The on-line parenting classes provide this same opportunity — on a weekly basis! I was very anxious and dysregulated about the new school year, so I decided to enroll in the on-line class right before school started.

That decision is one of the best I’ve ever made.

For the first time, I went to the school armed with techniques for use by both the classroom teacher and special school district teachers.

I finally felt like the expert on my own child!

These extremely cost-effective parenting classes are worth every penny and moment of your time.”

Brenda Murphy-Niederkorn

Image by ? João Lima via Flickr

Online Parenting Class Testimonial from Margie & Rick Magar

- Tell us a little about yourself

We are Christian parents of a 15-year-old birth-daughter who we have home schooled for 9 years. We felt God’s call in our hearts this past November (2008) to adopt a child from the US Foster Care system. We are currently waiting to hear back on a potential match.

- Why were you initially interested or intrigued by our parenting classes?

We had done enough reading about children who had come from backgrounds of abuse and neglect to be sufficiently scared into finding out how to create an environment of peace, healing and love for the child and get them to a place of trust where they could integrate into our family and become a productive member of society.

- What caused you to take “a leap of faith,” so to speak, and try our class?

Beyond Consequences was recommended to us by our Project 1.27 Adoption Process Manager and was also praised by our Bethany Christian Services 
social worker.

I bought the books (Volumes 1 & 2) back in February and signed up for the email list. We were unable to attend the March training in Denver, so when my husband and I saw the online course,logistically speaking, it was a no-brainer.

- Are we meeting your expectations or exceeding them? How so?

You are exceeding our expectations just by conducting an online Webinar! My husband works from home on Wednesdays, so we both get the training simultaneously with me on the computer and him on an extension in his office. We then discuss what we learned afterward over lunch.
The second session with the “Cheerios” role play really hit home for my husband. Hearing a live reenactment of a possible scenario with our new child and what that really sounds like made a strong impression on him and changed the “theory” into “reality.”

- How would you describe the support you’ve gotten from us?

We haven’t needed much support ourselves since we are still waiting for our child and all this is still “theoretical” for us, but we definitely see the incredible support you give members of the group via the online chat, online phone sharing, email and Ning group.

- Overall why would you recommend our parenting class to others?

The Beyond Consequences model is refreshingly different from most of the scary, hopeless books we read on attachment disorders and ways to address childrens’ behaviors.

Since Beyond Consequences is love-based and helps you see your child as operating from a place of fear rather than a place of evil manipulation, it is full of hope for healing by not feeding more fear into an already fearful child, but by looking at your child and parenting style from a perspective of love, understanding and connection.

It’s cutting-edge and a must read/attend
for all adoptive parents!

Blessings,
Rick & Margie Magar, Foster Parents and soon-to-be Adoptive Parents

On October 23 & 24, moms from around the nation will be gathering in
Denver for an amazing weekend. And I don’t want you to miss this event.

Why?

Because I know that there is a good chance if you’re reading this,
you need to be there. My heart and mission in life (besides being a mother)
is to support you in the everyday aspects of parenting. Do any of the
following describe your life?

*** You dread waking up every morning to face children with difficult or severe
behaviors

*** You look into the mirror and seeing your own childhood pain and
“unfinished” business staring you in the face

*** You simply don’t know where to turn to for help anymore-all your
resources have been exhausted

*** You feel completely overwhelmed with all the dynamics of being a
mother from groceries, to cooking, to cleaning, to carpooling, and not
to forget the worst of all-homework!

*** You find yourself trying to ignore the resentment you feel towards
your child or your husband.

*** You bulldoze your way through each day, exhausted and praying
for the day to be over.

*** You feel like you would rather go back to work in a high pressure job,
working 80 hours a week where projects where due yesterday. At least
you felt some sense of control and sanity (and you got paid!).

*** You feel like an ineffective parent and that you are actually adding
to your child’s pain and struggles.

You’ve probably searched for answers through all the parenting books you’ve
purchased or from the books friends and teachers have recommended,
yet the solutions continue to allude you.

What has been missing all along is knowing how to get yourself back on
track! One more book isn’t going to change the tide. One more medication
will just be another Band-Aid solution. One more sticker chart will only
generate more frustration. One more expert telling you your child needs to
change now or a future of trouble is eminent. These will only sink you to a
lower level of hopelessness.

If you want to change something in your life, there is only one
place to look: inside you! The “Everyday Is Mother’s Day” conference
is designed to be the missing piece-the piece that everyone has overlooked.
It is in you and I want you to reclaim yourself and be able to have the
experience to find happiness and peace again.

This Mom’s Conference will teach you how to move from surviving to thriving.
It cannot be about “When my child acts better, I’ll be better”
anymore. You deserve better and the reality is that you need to get
better before your children can get better. Mahatma Gandhi said it best, “You
must be the change you want to see in the world.” (You must be the
change you want to see in your family).

This conference will open you up emotionally to be able to embrace the most
difficult of moments your child presents to you. Opportunities for self
discovery, self-love, and self-forgiveness will be part of these two days. The
difference is that you’ll be loved and supported at this conference
in a way that you’ve probably never experienced before.

www.EveryDayIsMothersDay.com

Tools for keeping you from returning back to old habitual patterns and
negative thinking will be used and taught in order to make this a life-changing
experience. You’ll participate in a combination of emotional and cognitive
experiences that will lock the “new you’ into place, ensuring that you return
home to make significant changes in all your relationships.

The discount for the Mom’s Conference is still available. This is a FULL
(9am to 9pm) two day event for $197.00 (regularly $297). It takes
tremendous courage to even consider spending two days with a group of women
you don’t know, opening yourself up to your own emotional process.

I would be honored to have you and break the fear barrier!

Perhaps your first thought is, “But I can’t afford to come.” In the bigger
picture, I strongly believe that , “You can’t afford NOT to come.”
This is an investment in you and in your future. For the $197 registration
fee, you will receive the equivalent of six months of therapy. Honestly. It will be
that intense and that powerful. Even six months of a $25 co-payment for
weekly therapy is more than the registration fee and the airfare.

I’ve set up a private group on my social network:
www.heatherforbes.ning.com

You can connect with other moms before the conference so you can
find a roommate, share a ride, and make lasting friendships.
The support you’ll receive will go far beyond these two days.

You’ll be with other moms, just like you—all of them. This is different than
anything you can find in your hometown. I know you’ve sat in playgroups or at a
Mom’s night out and thought, “I just don’t fit in here!” You’ll fit in with
this entire conference!

But you’re still thinking, “How can I get away? Who will watch my children?”
This is a logistical issue, no doubt. But there is always a way. If you’re
married, think how your spouse will appreciate you more than ever after
being gone for a few days!

You can plan the weekend in two hour blocks for your children when you’re
gone, keeping them busy and distracted, having fun, and giving them a plan
so they know what to expect. Create a video for them when you’re gone,
reassuring them you love them and haven’t forgotten them. Make a paper
chain so they can count the days when you’ll be home. There are so many
ways to be creative in order to give them reassurance and security when
you’re away.

Attend the special webinar I’m giving this Thursday “You Deserve
to be the Best You Can Be” which will have a great Q&A about what
to expect, how to get away and a discussion with past attendees.

https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/843402019

“Yeah, but, I’ll have to pay for it when I get home!”  See — I hear you!
And I know if feels that way. But the reality is that you’ll be in a completely
different space within yourself that you’ll be able to calm their fears like
you’ve never been able to do before. The mothers that attended my
previous moms’ conferences reported back that it was different when they went
home—significantly different.

My Gifts to You:

After the conference, you’ll be signed up for three private group support calls
that I’ll host to keep you motivated and energized, for free.

I also have something I want to give to you for having the courage to make
the commitment to this event. With your paid registration, you’ll receive
download access to my audio “Issues Facing Adoptive Mothers of Children
with Special Needs.” If you’re a mother struggling with post-adoption issues,
this audio CD is for you. It will speak your language and help you to see that
you’re really not going crazy!

And it is my gift to you for coming to this conference. (If you’ve already signed
up, not to worry, you’re in on these gifts, as well).

So, what is holding you back? Send me a note and let me know. Or better yet,
log into my new ning site and start a discussion with me and the other
moms. (www.heatherforbes.ning.com)

If you’ve made it this far in this email, it tells me you do want to come
and somewhere deep down inside you know you need to come.

I would be honored to have you at this conference and I know this would
be a life changing weekend for you. I promise to do everything in my power
to this weekend worth it for you. I will deliver. I hope you’ll find a way to
make this work for you!

Signing up is easy. Just log into:
www.EveryDayIsMothersDay.com

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

If you want to change something in your life,
there’s only one place to look: inside you.

P.S. Still not sure? Attend the special webinar I’m giving this Thursday
“You Deserve to be the Best You Can Be” which will have a great Q&A about
what to expect, how to get away and a discussion with past attendees.
I hope you’ll consider this event because you deserve it, and your family
deserves you to be at your absolute best.

Sign up for the webinar now: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/843402019