Happy October 1st! With only three months left until the end of the year,
I’m sending you this note with all that is happening here at BCI. I hope
you’ll be able to join me for at least one of these events, several of which
are completely fr.e.e.!

You’re cordially invited to join me for the following:

*** Tonight – Thursday, October 1 – F.R-E-E Webinar ****

https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/843402019

If you’re a mom and want to know more about my Mom’s Conference coming
up in a few weeks, I hope you’ll join me for this webinar. Don’t let the
word “webinar” stop you. It is VERY easy and a great way for me to be able
to interact with you. This webinar is to give you a better
understanding of what to expect at the Mom’s Conference along
with ways to actually get away from your family for several days
(it is possible!).

I’ll also have other moms who have been to this event in the past be on the
line to give their stories and I’m certain they will take any questions you
have as well.

Connect with me tonight. Here is the time zone breakout:
9:30 pm Eastern
8:30 pm Central
7:30 pm Mountain
6:30 pm Pacific

Even if you can’t make these times, please sign up and you’ll receive the
link to the recording.

BONUS! During this webinar, we will be awarding one family
complimentary attendance for the entire 10-week Beyond Consequences
Online parenting course (a $197 value). You need to be present to win!
Space is limited, please register now.

https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/843402019

*** Intensive Two-Day Training – October 16-17, 2009 – Orlando, FL ****

www.intensivetwodaytraining.com

This is the last two-day intensive training until June 2010. The Training in
Virginia Beach last month was amazing and life transforming (not my words…
this is what many participants told me).

The training is designed to give you a deeper understanding of the Beyond
deeper understanding of the Beyond Consequences Model. Learn more of
what to do “in the moment” and how to respond with love instead
of react from old patterns of fear and frustration. By attending
this training, you can also purchase my 10-session BCI training manual this
is complete with a DVD set in order to teach parenting classes in your
community or agency.

This training is being held right on Disney Property! It is a wonderful
place to stay and you won’t even have to rent a car. If you stay at a Disney
Resort, they pick you up at the airport. We’re even arranging for you to
have food provided during the day of the training. Just come and enjoy the
two days and leave feeling equipped and empowered to return home to bring
you and your family to the next level of love and relationship.

I’ve cut the cost because I know this recession is hitting families hard!
For just $297, you can come either by yourself or with your spouse
or partner. Seriously, no extra charge for the two of you together! For more
information, log into: www.intensivetwodaytraining.com

*** Beyond Consequences Classroom ****

With my colleague, Eric Guy, LSW, BCI is moving into the classroom!
We have several trainings coming up this fall that might be in your local area.

Check out our new website for more information at:
www.allchildrenwanttolearn.com

Here are two upcoming events:

Monday, October 5, 2009
8am-4pm MDT
Snow College
Richfield, Utah 84701
***Registration fee: $10 – includes lunch***
contact: Teresa Robinson – (435)896-8415

Saturday, November 7, 2009
9 am – 4 pm
Central Christian School
Dalton, OH
FR.E.E! Sign up at: www.allchildrenwanttolearn.com

*** October 7, 2009 – Online Parenting Classes Begin Next Week ****

My online 10-week parent training is going incredibly well! These classes are a way
to get the support you need without the expense or stress of traveling and leaving
home. These trainings are live with me. With the use of technology, they are very
interactive, informative, and fun classes!

These are great classes for dads, moms, grandparents, case workers, therapists, and
anyone else involved in the life of children with difficult behaviors.

Check the following website for all the information:
www.beyondconsequencesonline.com

Also, if you want to join us at no charge for our first class, we invite you to come
and check it out. This first class is a “How To & FAQ class” and you can see what this
whole ‘webinar’ thing is all about!
Sign up at: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/701657858

*** Beyond Consequences LIVE! ****

I have two more Beyond Consequences LIVE! trainings remaining this year. These are
my one-day parent training events and the only fee involved is simply a copy of any
one of my parenting books.

Atlanta, GA – October 29, 2009 (CEU’s are available)

San Francisco, November 14, 2009

Sign up at: www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com

We’re also planning out all the details for these events in 2010. We’ll be in
Dallas, TX; Los Angeles, CA; Denver, CO; St. Louis, MO; Salt Lake City, UT;
and Indianapolis, IN. I’ll send details and dates soon!

*** October 23-24, 2009 – Every Day is Mother’s Day Conference ****

Are you in need of deep healing and a weekend of rejuvenation? Are you at the point
of not wanting to be a mom? Do you just need a lift to get back your energy and
passion for being a parent? This conference is designed just for you.

Take advantage of the discounted rate before the registration rate goes back up.
All the information is available at: www.EveryDayIsMothersDay.com

*** Ask the Experts – Free Audio ****

As part of my commitment to keep pulling in the latest research for you, log into
a great interview I had with Dr. Kevin McCauley. You’ll gain a broader understanding
of the brain system and why we act the way we do when we are in survival.
You can get immediate access to this audio at:

www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/kevinmccauley/

Press on!

Disrupted Circadian Rhythms

Q: My foster son is 14 years old and has been in our home for 2 years. Since being with us, he has been sporadic in his sleep habits, but in the last year, it has gotten worse. His eating patterns are chaotic and he just seems completely out of balance. I’m trying to keep a regular and predictable schedule for him but this just isn’t working.

A: For any teenager, and especially for teenagers with traumatic histories, their circadian rhythms are disrupted. Circadian rhythms are the daily rhythms in the body that keep you balanced at a physiological level. They help you wake up and calm you down around sleep, they give you indicators as to when to eat, and they provide several other sensory experiences.

Circadian rhythms are naturally disrupted during the teenage years. For your foster son with a traumatic history, these rhythms were disrupted even before becoming a teenager due to environmental stressors, which means that now, during his teenage years, they are intensely disrupted.

The result is a son who needs to sleep at all hours of the day, eats in an unpredictable fashion, and simply operates in a disrupted physiological state. It is not a choice for him. It is simply how his body is operating at this developmental stage in his life; it is his inherent biological rhythm.

Parenting him will take understanding this biological principle. The next time your son has a hard time waking up at six o’clock in the morning, realize that his biological clock is telling him to sleep until noon. This is not resistance or defiance. It is simply how he is programmed at this stage in his life. Having this understanding will give you more patience and allow you to support him more as he struggles through life right now.

When trying to wake him up, tell him you understand how hard it must be for him. Many times we are so rushed in the morning that we focus solely on the logistics of getting ready, eating breakfast, and getting to the bus on time. Take a few minutes to connect with him, offer understanding, and allow him emotional space to be grumpy and resistant. As you focus on staying in relationship with him, he will have a greater ability to respond to you in a positive way when you ultimately have to say, “Okay, honey, we really have to get going now.”

Do some research on circadian rhythms and share it with him. Perhaps he will even sit down with you at the computer when you google this information. When he sees you taking interest in understanding him, it will speak volumes to him. As he begins to understand what is going on within his own body, he won’t have to feel as if there is something wrong with him.

Of course, as with most teenagers, he will be clever to use this in his favor. When you need him to get up and go to school, his response might be something like, “I can’t get up. It’ s my circadian rhythms!” This is where you have a brilliant opportunity to teach him how to not fall into being a victim to his biology. Through the power of his mind, he has the ability to overcome even the toughest of obstacles. As a foster child, I am certain he has had numerous experiences of feeling powerless. Empower him to take back his personal power and make his life work for him.

You mentioned you have been setting a schedule, which can sometimes be helpful. A scheduled external world can influence a child’s “internal world” to become more regular. There is however, a clarification I want to add to this. There is a huge difference between predictable schedule and rigid schedule. Too often, parents create a schedule for their family, yet set it into stone. This creates a rigid environment with little tolerance for the smallest variation. Rigidity is the first sign of death! So set a schedule, but in moderation allow for flexibility.

Yet, you mentioned that this has not helped. Your son may need to set his own schedule. Empower him to take charge of his body by having him set up a schedule for himself. If he feels as if he has some control over his daily life, he will be more motivated. No one likes being told what to do and when to do it, especially teenagers.

There are certain “must-do” events in everyday that he will not have control over (such as when to be at school, when to be at basketball practice, etc.). Yet, the other times of the day, help him learn how to plan out his daily life. Besides helping him to feel like he has some control over his life, you are teaching him a valuable tool that many adults have yet to master. Some teens may be too dysregulated to follow the actual plan, but you are at least helping them to begin the process and it is giving him time to process ahead of time his daily life.

Most importantly, when you stay in a place of understanding, decreasing the level of frustration you bring into your interactions with him, you are providing a healthier and safer environment within the context of your relationship with him. This is the most effective “tool” you have available. Your loving influence, wrapped with understanding, will help him establish more consistent rhythms within his body.

Press on!

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control Vol 1, 2 and Dare to Love

Bridging the Gap Between Neuroscience and Parenting

At the beginning of this month, I attended a conference in Las Vegas where Dr. Allan Shore was the keynote speaker. His information was amazing! “Thick,” but amazing. By thick I mean it was in-depth, profound, intellectually stimulating, and heavily documented by scientific research.

The premise of his talk was that the repair of the self, or healing,
from early childhood experiences happens in the right hemisphere. The
right hemisphere is our unconscious processor and our emotional self.

He discussed how a child’s brain needs meaningful human interaction to drive the brain’s development and maturity. When these experiences are missed between the child and his caretaker, the neurological pathways are misaligned.

The great news is that repair and realignment of these neurological pathways is possible due to the plasticity of the brain. However, this repair does not come through intellectual or cognitive processing. The primary component of healing is the emotional bond. It has to happen through emotional communication and emotional connection. It is the right-brain-to-right-brain emotional communication that heals. The relationship is the key. In essence, and these are my words, it has to come through love.

Then at the end of this month, I attended the ATTACh conference in Charlotte, NC. I presented to a room of almost 100 parents. The energy in the room was so different from the conference in Las Vegas. At the ATTACh conference, the room was filled with parents struggling everyday just to get the basics of life accomplished, each desiring more information to be able to go back home and move out of a place of survival into a place of living. Yet, in Las Vegas, the atmosphere was more relaxed. The day was about informational learning and listening to the latest in scientific research. It was a day off work to earn continuing education credits then a night out in Vegas catching a show and having a nice dinner.

As I type this blog, I realize that we need to focus on bridging the gap between the intellectual and scientific understanding of trauma and the “real-life” parenting of trauma. The two need to come together in a more coherent way in order to put neurological science into action. Showing slides and talking about current neuroscience literature doesn’t necessarily mean that the quality of life in families is being improved.

As I look back and realize the incredible contrast between these two trainings, I realize more than ever my mission in life. This is the essence of my work at the Beyond Consequences Institute — to bridge the gap between neuroscience and parenting. Wow! This gets me fired up and rejuvenated to create more resources and ways to support you and other families.

If you have any ideas of how to I can help you or other families bridge this gap, post a note here. What more is needed to learn how to create these “right-brain-to-right-brain” interactions in your home? I welcome your feedback!

I’m celebrating this weekend because I finished the last chapter of my new book on Thursday, put some final touches on it on Friday, and sent it off to my editor! What a major undertaking—I feel like I’m floating on air right now. This book will be a follow-up to the first volume of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. It is written in the same format where the first part of the book outlines the research, sets the foundation for this parenting paradigm, and covers the basic premises of love-based parenting. The second part details seven more behaviors. They include: demanding behaviors, homework struggles, self-injury, no conscience, social struggles, chores, and defensive attitudes. The third part is the best—it gives amazing success stories that parents submitted to me. You’ll be amazed at how love can turn a family who was in complete chaos into a family of peace and fun. The stories are truly inspiring!

This book definitely goes beyond the first book. It is so much more in-depth and gives better parenting examples. Since writing the first book, I have grown tremendously both personally and professionally. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and this made a difference in my writing. The information flowed much easier and the application of how to put love into action as a parent is much more profound.

The hardest part of the book was when I went to write only one single sentence—the dedication. I am dedicating this book to my mom who passed away this past April. Still as I write this blog, my eyes well up and the pain begins to surface. My mother was an advocate for children and spent about 30 years in public service standing up for what children needed in the public school system. She was a school board member who was not afraid to have a one to four vote (she being the one) and would stand her ground and held strong through the politics and budget restraints in order to do what was right. She modeled to me the true essence of perseverance, tenacity, and dedication. Dedicating this book to her gives it a whole new level of meaning for me.

Look for the release of Volume 2 at the end of October. We are planning a big book release party at BCI, so be sure you are signed up on my network (http://www.beyondconsequences.com/) so you’ll get an invitation!

Living in Florida has its challenges during the months of August, September, and October. This year is no exception. Hurricane Fay (actually she never really made it to be a real hurricane) was like a house guest who wouldn’t leave. She hovered around the edge of Florida and the Atlantic for several days, just picking up the water and dumping it on us.

The first week of school was interrupted—each day was a guess as to whether or not my children would be home for the day or embarking on their next academic year. Monday, school was in session. Tuesday, school was closed. Wednesday was on for one child but off for the other child. Thursday, school was back on and then Friday, off again. I’m fairly confident nothing was accomplished this first week!

Friday I was on a phone coaching call with a client and realized as I watched the rain and wind from my office window that just as we have a hurricane action plan in my house, so do we as parents need to have an internal hurricane action plan. Prior to a hurricane threat, I check off my list to make sure we have working flashlights, water, non-perishable food, and the like. Likewise, there are several items that each of us needs to have in place to weather the storms of our children’s difficult behaviors. This list needs to include what it will take to keep us regulated and balanced in order not to slide into a place of internal dysregulation—an emotional hurricane plan.

I encourage you to make a written list of what you need to take care of yourself and how to keep from getting pulled into your child’s vortex of dysregulation during difficult moments. Such a list might include the following:

1. Committing to reading and listening to love-based parenting materials such as my books and my audios each day.
2. Eating properly.
3. Exercising regularly.
4. Using meditation or contemplative prayer daily to calm your nervous system.
5. Listening to your favorite music when you feel yourself slipping into a state of fear.
6. Practicing deep breathing, even when calm and regulated.
7. Using affirmations everyday to keep your mind on track.
8. Promising yourself to leave and take a time out, even when you feel justified in yelling and using controlling measures with your child.
9. Posting notes on your mirror or your refrigerator that will keep you in the right mindset. (something like: “It’s not about me.”)
10. Staying connected with friends or consciously creating a support system so you know you’re never alone.
11. Treat yourself to your favorite dessert or Starbucks once a week—just for you!

This list should be extensive. Identify what works for you. What do you need to be okay? Write down ideas. Don’t be restricted and judgmental…just brainstorm and get ideas on paper. Go back later and modify if needed. When you find yourself swirling in the midst of chaos, you will have a plan in place. You will have logical and rational thinking on paper to turn to when you are stressed and can’t think clearly at the moment.

The more you work to stay regulated, the more you will find yourself with a greater amount of patience, tolerance, and understanding to give to your children. In essence, the more you are in a loving state, the more love you have to give to your child. This is how children get better and this is how you end the negative feedback loops going on in your home.

Time for me to go and treat myself to my favorite dessert for the week! Dr. Pepper, here I come.

Q: When trying to embrace my daughter (age 13) during stressful times, I began to realize that she has created crises over and over to receive that kind of love and attention. It ended up whenever I had a plan and it didn’t include her (work, coffee with a friend, etc.), she’d have a crisis (feel sick, kick the wall and insist on a trip to the E.R., lock herself in her room). Then, when I started to include her in everything, she’d sabotage it (push the table over in the restaurant, break equipment at work, ruin clothes in stores at the mall, etc.). I felt like I was being completely controlled and “trained” to focus only on her all of the time. How do you manage that in moderation?

A: There are several dynamics going on in the relationship between you and your daughter. First, let’s look beyond the behavior to determine why children “create crises.” The voice of this type of behavior is saying, “I need to feel loved and I need to have attention so I know I won’t be lost in this world!”

Behavior is the language of our children. As adults, we communicate verbally and miss the voice of our children because these behaviors interrupt the flow of our day and are often so nerve grinding, we can’t listen to them!

Your daughter is expressing that she is insecure in her attachment relationship with you. When you leave home without her, the acting out or sicknesses begin. Although I do not have her exact history, this tells me that she has experienced severe abandonment in the past. She is terrified of you leaving her…it feels like you won’t ever come back.

Her perception and fear of you leaving her is more than just an idea-it is her reality. Our thoughts become our reality. Try to relate to her fear in a situation in your life. If you were convinced, for some reason, that your husband would be injured in a car accident on his way to work, you would do EVERYTHING in your power to keep him from leaving the house. You might yell in desperation to get him to understand the seriousness of this issue. You might even feign an illness in your efforts to have him stay home with you.

This is your daughter’s story. Her fear of losing you is driving these behaviors.

Then, when you took her with you, I have a feeling that she was with you simply out of desperation on your part. However, even though she was with you, I suspect you weren’t really with her 100%. You didn’t want her there because this was supposed to be your time to take care of yourself and you felt like you didn’t have any other choice but to take her with you.

This is all understandable, and unfortunately, happens too many times to parents simply out of their own survival. However, we need to look openly and honestly at the dynamic that is created in such a scenario.

So you take her with you, all the while, the monsters of resentment, anger, regressive attitude of “whatever,” and intolerance raise their ugly heads. These stressors become barriers to your connection with her. You are physically with her, but not emotionally engaged and not paying attention to her from an intrinsic, core level within you.

Your daughter is very intuitive; she can sense the barriers of your resentment and your state of survival. If you are in a place of survival, you cannot be in a place of unconditional love for someone else. Your focus is on you, leaving no emotional space for your child and rendering you unable to respond to your child in an authentic and personal way.

Due to her intense fear of losing you, she needs you to connect with her at every level possible. This means connecting with her through your metacommunication (your tone of voice, timing of your responses, inflection in your voice, your physical touch, your body posture and body language, your facial expressions, your eye contact, etc.). It takes using all of your senses to fully be in relationship with your child in order to create security with a child who is so overtly insecure.

When you’re unable to do this, the result is that your daughter is left feeling even more unsafe, unprotected, and insecure. At this point, you are now in a public place and she is sensing your disconnect and, additionally, she becomes overwhelmed and threatened by being in a new environment. She shifts into a place of complete overwhelm and her behaviors are out of control. The mother /daughter connection is lost, so efforts to regulate her and calm her prove futile.

You become stressed and the public humiliation is making the hair on the back of your neck rise. Your thought process goes something like this, “*@%$ it, she’s ruining my time, again! I should have just left her home!” Disaster sticks once again.

There is a better way. Understanding this dynamic, let’s look at what can be done to create security for her. We know that children become secure when they feel accepted, approved, validated, and acknowledged. It will take having some experiences with her, just the two of you, to create this security.

It can be as simple as a “Girl’s Night Out” and driving down to have ice cream or something special in a quiet and calm environment, just the two of you. It isn’t about the ice cream, though. It is about your relationship with her. It requires you to be authentic and fully present with her.

She is old enough to be able to express her fears of you leaving her. Point out what would happen in the past when you left. Let her know that you now understand that these behaviors were signals of her being so scared of you leaving. Apologize for not “hearing” her. Commit to making it different with her. Help her to express her fears when you are both calm and regulated. It will help diffuse the ignition of acting out behaviors the next time you leave without her.

Validate her fears. Acknowledge how scary it must feel every time you leave home without her. Accept her reaction to your absence. Reassure her that you want to make this better for her.

The next time you have to leave, spend at least 15 minutes of one-on-one time with her prior to leaving. Set up a plan for her to call you when she feels scared. Make your time away from her short at first. Prolonged absences can be too overwhelming to her regulatory system. You can begin to build on these times away, but start slowly.

Remember that children heal through relationships. Therapeutic worksheets, behavior charts, and logical consequences don’t promote in-depth healing. It takes you being 100% present in relationship when you are with her in order for her to begin to feel safe when you’re not with her.

Be sure to check out our resources on our newly revised website to keep yourself refueled as a parent in this difficult situation! I’ve created our resources and our webpage to support you: www.beyondconsequences.com

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW