Children’s Feelings, Behaviors, and Relationships

(This article is based off the books “Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control Vol 1 & 2”

Visit our website at www.beyondconsequences.com)

By: Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

author of “Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control Vols 1, 2 & Dare To Love”

Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this.  However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal?  Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven.  They have the ability to undermine the parent-child relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, “If I’m not good, I am not lovable.”  Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance.

How to Parent With Love

Parenting from a love-based paradigm means going beyond our children’s behavior and beyond consequences to first see that negative behavior is a form of communication and that negative behavior is a response to stress. If we see the kicking and screaming child as one who is having difficulty regulating due to an overflow of feelings, we can learn to stay present with the child in order to help him modulate these feelings and thus, help him to build his emotional regulatory system. A child kicking and screaming or in a rage is a child who has been “emotionally hijacked”. Emotions are not logical or rational ; this hitting and kicking is the body’s natural fear reaction gone awry.

Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to kick and scream will disappear.  Many times our children kick and scream simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can be enough to help them begin to regulate. The life lesson that kicking and screaming is inappropriate does indeed need to be reinforced. But, this life lesson can only happen once the child is fully regulated (when the child is calm) and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to kicking and screaming. This is a way of teaching our children instead of punishing them. The definition of discipline is to teach.  The more we can stay focused on the relationship with our child and strengthening this relationship instead of controlling it through consequences, the more we will be helping our child learn to work through their stress appropriately.

Four pointers to help you stay in a loving and emotionally open place for your children:

Just Be Happy!—But I’m not!

Did anyone ever tell you, “Just think happy thoughts and it will be okay.”?  Did it really work?  Probably not.  Emotions do not simply disappear.  If feelings are not released and acknowledged, they are stored and become part of our physical make-up.  Research has convincingly shown that being able to express feelings like anger and grief can improve survival rates in cancer patients.  With our children, feelings that become stored and “stuffed” become activators for negative behaviors.

ALL Feelings are Good Feelings

As parents, it is important for us to understand the necessity of emotional expression, both in teaching it to our children and in modeling it to our children.  Blocked feelings can inhibit growth, learning, and the building of a trusting relationship between the parent and child.  The first step to take is to recognize that ALL emotions are healthy.  In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as bad feelings.  Let’s rethink this to understand that it is not the feeling itself that creates negativity; it is the lack of expression of the feeling that creates negativity.  And in children, this negativity is often expressed through poor behaviors.

Getting to the Core of the Behavior

When children are acting out and being defiant, we need to begin to understand that their behaviors are simply a communication of an emotional state that is driving these behaviors.  If we simply address the behavior, we miss the opportunity to help children express and understand themselves from a deeper level. Start by modeling basic feeling words to your child.  Keep it simple and teach the five basic feeling words: sad, mad, bad, scared, and happy. Even the youngest of children can learn to say, “I’m mad!”  When the toddler is throwing his toys or the teenager is throwing his backpack across the room, encourage him at that moment to get to the core of the behavior through emotional expression.  Remember…it really isn’t about the toys or the backpack; and they really do know better than to do the negative behaviors.

Responding vs. Reacting

So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply “ugly” to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child.  Respond to your child in an open way—open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors.  He doesn’t need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him.  As your children learn to respond back to you through the parent-child relationship, they won’t have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore.  You’ll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime.

How do you feel about this article?

http://www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com

“The Proof Is In the Pudding”

What does this saying mean, anyway?  I was curious, so I Googled it.  “The proof is in the pudding” means that the true value or quality of something can only be judged when it’s put to use or tried and tested.

So that’s what I want to do with Beyond Consequences! It’s time to get the science and numbers to back up all the testimonials I’ve received from parents from around the globe.

And that is where you come in. Would you like to be a part of our research study?
As a participant in my online parenting class starting this Wednesday, January 13, you can be a part of it!

If you want to know more about this online class and research study, watch the videos here:

http://heathertforbes.com/blog/online-parenting-course-overview/

The first Beyond Consequences Online parenting for 2010 will begin this Wednesday, January 13 and will run consecutively for the next 10 weeks. Each class will be approximately 90 minutes in length.

As a class participant, you will have the ability to be a part of this research study with us.  It’s anonymous and easy!

The questionnaires are electronic–nothing in the mail to keep track of!  The bonus is that it will help you to see your progress as your family moves from a place of chaos
to peace and happiness.

Valid research will help BCI to spread the word.  More children and more families will be healed.   Working together, we can change the future of generations to come, beyond even our own families.

Will you join me?  Sign up for this online class at: www.BeyondConsequencesOnline.com

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

PS: NOTE: *SESSIONS ARE ALWAYS RECORDED*
If you cannot make the time, you’ll have access to listen online to the recording and/or download via MP3 and listen on your iPod/MP3 player.

A Special Note Just for-

Overseas Parents:
Due to demand, I will be offering the BCLC Parent Training Curriculum to successful participants of the Online Course (in place of the 2 Day Intensive Training).
You will have to attend all classes live to be eligible for the purchase of the Curriculum.

Blogging Families:
If you are interested in being a part of January’s Online Class (at no charge) & this Research Study, please email your blog url to Andrea at beyondconsequencesonline (at) gmail (dot) com so that we can approve you to take this class in exchange for you publishing one 300-500 word blog post per week of class (10 posts in all).

Please Note: January class will be able to participate in an optional research study (details in video)! Sign up for the full course at http://www.beyondconsequencesonline.com

Please Note: January class will be able to participate in an optional research study (details in video)! Sign up for the full course at http://www.beyondconsequencesonline.com

Live, Interactive Classes for Caregivers of Children with Difficult Behaviors now available Online for Adoption, Foster or Court Requirement and Personal / Professional Growth

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW of the Beyond Consequences Institute (BCI), offers parents and professionals a new and exciting interactive online program, available at www.beyondconsequencesonline.com.

This unique 11 week program offers live, interactive courses in a virtual classroom environment for both parents and professionals. The course is based on the book authored by Forbes, “Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control; A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors” which is frequently a #1 Amazon.com Bestseller in the Adoption Category. This course is ideal for those needing to take a parenting class for adoption and foster parent training, at the request of the court, as part of a legal or probationary requirement, a custody agreement, or simply for personal growth as a parent or professional.

“Parents can take advantage of the technology we use to get connected and supported in ways they’ve never been able to before.” says Forbes, “We have designed an online experience like no other. The Beyond Consequences Online professional and parenting training program can be taken from anywhere in the world and can be attended live or through the recordings.”

During the live portion of the weekly classes, Forbes delivers course content in a webinar room, using web cams, power point slides, class discussions, role plays, and Q & A sessions to educate and inspire participants. Homework during the 11 weeks includes over five hours of web video specifically recorded for the class as well as reading and exercises during the week. There is also a private online support group just for participants to discuss and get support outside of class. At the end of the 10 sessions (the first week is an overview of the course and Technical “How-To” Class) participants are presented with a Certificate of Completion and remain members of the support group for life.

In-person classes may also be found in your local community via BCI Certified Instructors and Facilitators throughout the world. Learn how you can facilitate classes at www.Intensive2DayTraining.com

Why take a course through the Beyond Consequences Institute? Unlike other Online Parent Classes that are only recorded modules, parents and professionals have a chance to interact and discuss topics in real-time, in a format that rivals a live classroom because of the interactivity and convenience. Participants will learn a new understanding into the behaviors of children with difficult behaviors, learn how to use unconditional love in any situation and learn new ways to handle some of the most difficult challenges children can present.

These new online parenting classes will give you a new understanding of:

*Love & Fear
*The Patterns That Bind Us & Hidden Feedback Loops
*Parents Appear Hostile and Angry
*Lying and Stealing
*Hoarding and Gorging
*Aggression
*Defiance
*Lack of Eye Contact
*Personality & Family Dynamics

www.BeyondConsequencesOnline.com is a new, exciting and innovative approach to taking a parenting course and is based on the latest brain research as explained in Volumes 1 & 2 of “Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control; A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors”. Forbes’ latest book, “Dare To Love” is a supplementary resource that provides real-life, in depth Q & A from parents all around the world. Whether participants need to take a parenting class for an adoption, foster parent or court requirement, or just for personal growth, this course is an ideal way to learn the skills needed to become a better parent and improve relationship skills with their children and others.

About the Author:
Heather T. Forbes is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and owner of the Beyond Consequences Institute. Forbes has worked in the field of trauma and attachment since 1999. She is a best-selling author on the topics of adoptive motherhood, raising children with difficult and severe behaviors, and self-development. Forbes lectures, consults, and coaches parents throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K., working to create peaceful, loving families. Nationally syndicated television and radio shows have aired interviews with Forbes, who is passionate about supporting families by bridging the gap between academic research and “when the rubber hits the road” parenting. Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption-related issues comes from her direct experience of mothering her two adopted children.

For information about Forbes’ free resources, live lectures, and new online parenting classes visit www.BeyondConsequences.com. To join her Online Community of “Beyond Consequences” Parents & Professionals visit www.HeatherTForbes.net or find her on www.Facebook.com/HeatherTForbesLCSW.

Heather-

I really didn’t know what type of conference I was going to when my friend asked me to attend with her. I felt I couldn’t go wrong seeing it was free and all I needed was a book, not bad I love to read! So I really didn’t have anything to lose right?

I have already been to therapists that have basically said,” my daughter is the way she is because of me”.

I didn’t and don’t understand this as I adopted her when she was four, she’s now 5 and had her as a foster child since she was three (a short life filled with disappointment, neglect, and no attachments to adults or otherwise). I felt I was doing right by her as I parented her the same way I parent my other children (3 biological and 2 adopted). After attending your conference in Los Altos I had a better understanding of her, of me, of the crisis in our family.

I want to THANK YOU! Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for giving me a better understanding of the behaviors my daughter exhibits. I never realized that she was and is behaving this way because of stress, fear and not being “regulated”.  I didn’t even know that regulate and dysregulated existed.  I have often thought that she knows what she is doing is wrong, she is purposely manipulating me, my husband and our family.  But all the while she is “acting out” because it’s the only way she knows how to express herself. This is her way of coping with her scary and uncertain world.

I have worked for the last couple of days really paying attention to when she “acts out”.  It’s important to see what situations are a trigger for her. And then working through them instead of negatively reacting to them.  I know that healing our family is going to take time. As I see it all I have is time for my family and I’m totally devoted to healing us.

Thank you again!

Sincerely,
Kelly Howard (In Picture:  Ryan 8 Krista 5 Tristan 3 and me! Pumpkin Patch 2009)

Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors

Recorded Webinar Dec 10, 2009. The videos below have been saved in a format that will allow all users regardless of internet connection speed to watch. However, there is some loss of quality.

You can also download the Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Powerpoint and listen online or download the full Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Complete Audio Recording - scroll to the bottom and click on the photo of Heather & Andrea to play the audio.

To be notified of future free webinars so you can attend live and get your questions answered, sign up with your email address using the form to the upper left (below the white flower).

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “The Importance of Connection” with Heather T Forbes, LCSW

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Free Stuff on BeyondConsequences.com” w/ Heather T Forbes, LCSW

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “What is Social Media? – Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Facebook” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other BCI Parents on HeatherTForbes.net” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Twitter & Yahoo Groups” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Facebook Q & A” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Interacting w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents additional Q & A” w/ Andrea Tannouri (Please note that you CAN make your Tweets private, and only available to people who follow you – but I’m not sure if re-tweeted updates are protected so better to be on the safe side!)

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Closing Remarks” Heather T Forbes, LCSW

Free Parenting Resources @ BCI – “Live Chat w/ other Beyond Consequences Parents on Ning site” w/ Andrea Tannouri

Have questions or comments? Feel free to post them below and we’ll answer!

You can also download the Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Powerpoint and listen to  the full Free Online Resources for Caregivers of Children w/ Difficult Behaviors Complete Audio Recording by clicking Play Now, Play in Popup or Download below the picture of Heather & Andrea.