Children’s Feelings, Behaviors, and Relationships

(This article is based off the books “Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control Vol 1 & 2”

Visit our website at www.beyondconsequences.com)

By: Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

author of “Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control Vols 1, 2 & Dare To Love”

Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this.  However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal?  Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven.  They have the ability to undermine the parent-child relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, “If I’m not good, I am not lovable.”  Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance.

How to Parent With Love

Parenting from a love-based paradigm means going beyond our children’s behavior and beyond consequences to first see that negative behavior is a form of communication and that negative behavior is a response to stress. If we see the kicking and screaming child as one who is having difficulty regulating due to an overflow of feelings, we can learn to stay present with the child in order to help him modulate these feelings and thus, help him to build his emotional regulatory system. A child kicking and screaming or in a rage is a child who has been “emotionally hijacked”. Emotions are not logical or rational ; this hitting and kicking is the body’s natural fear reaction gone awry.

Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to kick and scream will disappear.  Many times our children kick and scream simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can be enough to help them begin to regulate. The life lesson that kicking and screaming is inappropriate does indeed need to be reinforced. But, this life lesson can only happen once the child is fully regulated (when the child is calm) and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to kicking and screaming. This is a way of teaching our children instead of punishing them. The definition of discipline is to teach.  The more we can stay focused on the relationship with our child and strengthening this relationship instead of controlling it through consequences, the more we will be helping our child learn to work through their stress appropriately.

Four pointers to help you stay in a loving and emotionally open place for your children:

Just Be Happy!—But I’m not!

Did anyone ever tell you, “Just think happy thoughts and it will be okay.”?  Did it really work?  Probably not.  Emotions do not simply disappear.  If feelings are not released and acknowledged, they are stored and become part of our physical make-up.  Research has convincingly shown that being able to express feelings like anger and grief can improve survival rates in cancer patients.  With our children, feelings that become stored and “stuffed” become activators for negative behaviors.

ALL Feelings are Good Feelings

As parents, it is important for us to understand the necessity of emotional expression, both in teaching it to our children and in modeling it to our children.  Blocked feelings can inhibit growth, learning, and the building of a trusting relationship between the parent and child.  The first step to take is to recognize that ALL emotions are healthy.  In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as bad feelings.  Let’s rethink this to understand that it is not the feeling itself that creates negativity; it is the lack of expression of the feeling that creates negativity.  And in children, this negativity is often expressed through poor behaviors.

Getting to the Core of the Behavior

When children are acting out and being defiant, we need to begin to understand that their behaviors are simply a communication of an emotional state that is driving these behaviors.  If we simply address the behavior, we miss the opportunity to help children express and understand themselves from a deeper level. Start by modeling basic feeling words to your child.  Keep it simple and teach the five basic feeling words: sad, mad, bad, scared, and happy. Even the youngest of children can learn to say, “I’m mad!”  When the toddler is throwing his toys or the teenager is throwing his backpack across the room, encourage him at that moment to get to the core of the behavior through emotional expression.  Remember…it really isn’t about the toys or the backpack; and they really do know better than to do the negative behaviors.

Responding vs. Reacting

So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply “ugly” to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child.  Respond to your child in an open way—open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors.  He doesn’t need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him.  As your children learn to respond back to you through the parent-child relationship, they won’t have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore.  You’ll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime.

How do you feel about this article?

Living in Florida has its challenges during the months of August, September, and October. This year is no exception. Hurricane Fay (actually she never really made it to be a real hurricane) was like a house guest who wouldn’t leave. She hovered around the edge of Florida and the Atlantic for several days, just picking up the water and dumping it on us.

The first week of school was interrupted—each day was a guess as to whether or not my children would be home for the day or embarking on their next academic year. Monday, school was in session. Tuesday, school was closed. Wednesday was on for one child but off for the other child. Thursday, school was back on and then Friday, off again. I’m fairly confident nothing was accomplished this first week!

Friday I was on a phone coaching call with a client and realized as I watched the rain and wind from my office window that just as we have a hurricane action plan in my house, so do we as parents need to have an internal hurricane action plan. Prior to a hurricane threat, I check off my list to make sure we have working flashlights, water, non-perishable food, and the like. Likewise, there are several items that each of us needs to have in place to weather the storms of our children’s difficult behaviors. This list needs to include what it will take to keep us regulated and balanced in order not to slide into a place of internal dysregulation—an emotional hurricane plan.

I encourage you to make a written list of what you need to take care of yourself and how to keep from getting pulled into your child’s vortex of dysregulation during difficult moments. Such a list might include the following:

1. Committing to reading and listening to love-based parenting materials such as my books and my audios each day.
2. Eating properly.
3. Exercising regularly.
4. Using meditation or contemplative prayer daily to calm your nervous system.
5. Listening to your favorite music when you feel yourself slipping into a state of fear.
6. Practicing deep breathing, even when calm and regulated.
7. Using affirmations everyday to keep your mind on track.
8. Promising yourself to leave and take a time out, even when you feel justified in yelling and using controlling measures with your child.
9. Posting notes on your mirror or your refrigerator that will keep you in the right mindset. (something like: “It’s not about me.”)
10. Staying connected with friends or consciously creating a support system so you know you’re never alone.
11. Treat yourself to your favorite dessert or Starbucks once a week—just for you!

This list should be extensive. Identify what works for you. What do you need to be okay? Write down ideas. Don’t be restricted and judgmental…just brainstorm and get ideas on paper. Go back later and modify if needed. When you find yourself swirling in the midst of chaos, you will have a plan in place. You will have logical and rational thinking on paper to turn to when you are stressed and can’t think clearly at the moment.

The more you work to stay regulated, the more you will find yourself with a greater amount of patience, tolerance, and understanding to give to your children. In essence, the more you are in a loving state, the more love you have to give to your child. This is how children get better and this is how you end the negative feedback loops going on in your home.

Time for me to go and treat myself to my favorite dessert for the week! Dr. Pepper, here I come.