Haiti Orphan Adoption:

Ensuring a Successful Transition

Haiti adoption interest has spiked after the disastrous earthquake and aftershocks in Haiti. The U.S. State Department is helping to expedite the placement of children into their adoptive homes.

While this is a victory for the children of Haiti, it is also vitally important that these adoptive families be given the resources, knowledge, and support they need in order to ensure a successful transition for these doubly traumatized children.

In response to the crisis, you are invited to listen in on this discussion regarding the orphans being adopted out of this country: http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/haiti/

Join Heather T. Forbes, LCSW and Dr. Ronald Federici as they discuss the dynamics in transitioning these children from disaster to safety and security.

“These children who have come out of Haiti have experienced double trauma and are in deep survival mode,” says Forbes. “Parents have got to have realistic expectations of the child and make their world very small, focusing first on physical safety, security and establishing trust.”

Forbes’ Beyond Consequences Institute is offering a free support group for parents who are adopting a child from Haiti and connect with other parents going through this process.

For more information on the support group or to arrange an interview with Forbes, contact Moya Smith at 407-965-1131.

For similar discussions in parenting traumatized children, see:
Dr. Bruce Perry & Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

About the Beyond Consequences Institute:
Mission: To provide every child the opportunity to be parented out of love, ending the myth that a child can only respond and bond to a parent through fear-based parenting.

The Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC, educates and provides resources for helping children with severe acting out behaviors. Many of these children have been previously diagnosed with such disorders as reactive attachment disorder, bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, depression, and the list goes on and on.

Most traditional techniques accepted amongst nationally recognized professionals in this field are fear-based and child-blaming. While some of the traditional techniques may seem to help in the short-run, in the long-run, they simply create more fear in the parent-child relationship, many times resulting in chaotic and unsafe homes.

BCI promotes a groundbreaking approach that has helped even the most difficult of family cases find stability and healing. Based on scientific research, the Beyond Consequences Model provides a simple yet powerful model for helping children with severe behavior. The Beyond Consequences Model has been shown over and over to help families find the healing that they have been looking for after years of “trying everything and nothing worked.”

Heather-

I really didn’t know what type of conference I was going to when my friend asked me to attend with her. I felt I couldn’t go wrong seeing it was free and all I needed was a book, not bad I love to read! So I really didn’t have anything to lose right?

I have already been to therapists that have basically said,” my daughter is the way she is because of me”.

I didn’t and don’t understand this as I adopted her when she was four, she’s now 5 and had her as a foster child since she was three (a short life filled with disappointment, neglect, and no attachments to adults or otherwise). I felt I was doing right by her as I parented her the same way I parent my other children (3 biological and 2 adopted). After attending your conference in Los Altos I had a better understanding of her, of me, of the crisis in our family.

I want to THANK YOU! Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for giving me a better understanding of the behaviors my daughter exhibits. I never realized that she was and is behaving this way because of stress, fear and not being “regulated”.  I didn’t even know that regulate and dysregulated existed.  I have often thought that she knows what she is doing is wrong, she is purposely manipulating me, my husband and our family.  But all the while she is “acting out” because it’s the only way she knows how to express herself. This is her way of coping with her scary and uncertain world.

I have worked for the last couple of days really paying attention to when she “acts out”.  It’s important to see what situations are a trigger for her. And then working through them instead of negatively reacting to them.  I know that healing our family is going to take time. As I see it all I have is time for my family and I’m totally devoted to healing us.

Thank you again!

Sincerely,
Kelly Howard (In Picture:  Ryan 8 Krista 5 Tristan 3 and me! Pumpkin Patch 2009)

I was born and raised in Vero Beach, Florida. I grew up with three older brothers and a fraternal twin sister. The best memories of my childhood are going to the beach, riding horses, and visiting with my grandparents.

Yet, apart from these good memories, memories of growing up with little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents and feelings of being “invisible” within a family system are even more prevalent. (And I share this with you because these difficult memories are an important part of who I am today and why I am so passionate about the work that I do). As a child, I found connection and validation through academics and graduated at the top of my class. Following high school, I attended the University of Florida and earned a bachelor’s degree in architecture and a master’s in construction management.

After working for ten years in the field of architecture, I woke up one morning with this pulling desire to be a parent. Due to numerous health issues and operations in my past (all a result of growing up in a stressful environment), adoption became the way to motherhood. Following countless phone calls and long nights working on paperwork, four months later I found myself in Russia meeting my son, an adorable 2 ½ year old little boy.

This was a major turning point in my life. Motherhood became the most difficult task I had ever undertaken. I had accomplished any goal I set my mind to in the past. Focus, self-discipline, and pure determination had been my tools to success. Yet, in the first six months of motherhood, nothing I had used in the past was working. Nothing-nothing was working. In fact, it was only getting worse.

Out of pure insanity or complete denial, I was in Russia a year and a half later, adopting again! This time I was meeting my daughter, a beautiful 4-year-old little girl. She was completely different, yet in the back of my mind, I kept hearing, “She’s too good…there is something very wrong here.”

As you can imagine, I had created quite a situation within a very short amount of time. After late nights of research, consultations with “experts,” and at least 200 books on attachment and bonding, I was still at a complete loss of how to bring peace into our home.

Late nights of research turned into late nights of curling up on the bathroom floor, crying in a complete state of helplessness. Yes, I’ve been there on the floor with you, feeling terrified of the future and feeling as if life was no longer worth living!

I decided that since I was doing all this research, I should return to school and change my career path. Looking back, I was simply returning to the environment that I knew in my early years that had sustained me through stress–academia. I earned a master of social work and sought training in the area of attachment and bonding.

After working to first change myself and the interpretation of my children’s behaviors, I was then able to parent in a whole new way. It also required intensive healing of my past childhood experiences in order to be able to become emotionally available to my children’s pain and fear. I came to realize that if you want to change something in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. And when you look to make this change, it takes doing it with love.

It took learning to love myself. First, though, it required a true understanding of the essence of love. We cannot give something we don’t understand or something we have not yet received. Loving yourself is the key to being able to love others unconditionally, without requirements. This is especially essential to parenting a child with a trauma history who simply does not have the capacity to receive love or reciprocate love due to the intensity of his/her internal pain and fear.

When unconditional love is put into action, it truly is the “cure” to creating peace in the home. It simply takes learning how to put it into action. Traditional parenting techniques are fraught with fear, disguised as love. Shifting your perspective to allow the light of love to overcome the darkness of fear is the only way.

My children are teenagers now and I have a wonderful relationship with both of them (How many parents do you know with teenagers who actually enjoy their company?). My children are more emotionally intelligent than most adults and they understand the dynamics of human interactions beyond their years. Their early experiences of abandonment, abuse, and neglect have been integrated into who they are and they are better individuals today because of their pasts. That’s the power of love!

If you are struggling with the effects of trauma in your home, I want this level of healing for you. I am passionate about providing the resources and understanding you need to make your family work for you. It is hard work. It is a journey of commitment and tenacity. Yet, it is what life is about – loving relationships. You aren’t living unless you are emotionally attuned to both yourself and to those around you.

I am committed to helping families and changing the false traditional interpretation of how to love and discipline children. There is a way to pull out of the depth of pain that resides in so many families (and perhaps your family). I hope you’ll join me on this journey to bring love back into a world that is living in too much fear and pain. Love never fails!

Online Parenting Class Testimonial from Karen Adams, Beyond Consequences Instructor

- Tell us a little about yourself

I am a bio mom of adult kids, a former special needs and therapeutic foster parent, and a new adoptive mom. I am choosing to adopt children from US foster care that are already “labeled” with diagnoses including RAD, PTSD, ADHD, FAS, Mental Retardation, Adjustment Disorder of Childhood.

- Why were you initially interested or intrigued by our parenting classes?

I was interested because I know that the more I immerse myself in this parenting paradigm, the better my life is.

- What caused you to take “a leap of faith,” so to speak, and try our class?

I’m actually a Beyond Consequences certified instructor myself! And I know that making a weekly “date” with myself to be encouraged, inspired, and educated is one of the best things I can do for myself and my kids.

- Are we meeting your expectations or exceeding them? How so?

The class is great. I like that the DVDs are watched outside of our meeting time, and we get to hear Heather speak personally on each topic, as well as getting the reinforcement of the pre-recorded materials. I had no idea that an online class could be this interactive, with streaming video and slide shows, etc. And I have taken other Beyond Consequences-based classes by telephone, and I have even taught college classes online. But none were as interactive as this one is.

- How would you describe the support you’ve gotten from us?

The support is genuine and very available. When I needed a “certificate” to show I was enrolled for my adoption agency file, Andrea produced it right away, and it is very professional looking.

- Overall why would you recommend our parenting class to others?

The information is crucial. The course will help you learn this parenting paradigm, whether you are brand new to it or coming for a refresher of something you have been for awhile now. The support and camaraderie will encourage and sustain you through the challenges in your parenting journey.

This is some of the best training you can invest in. It is not just about our kids–it is about us, as moms, as dads, as kinship carers, as foster parents, as child welfare workers, as *human beings*, embracing love in our lives and overcoming fears.

~ Karen Adams, BCI Certified Instructor

Image by ? João Lima via Flickr

Online Parenting Class Testimonial from Margie & Rick Magar

- Tell us a little about yourself

We are Christian parents of a 15-year-old birth-daughter who we have home schooled for 9 years. We felt God’s call in our hearts this past November (2008) to adopt a child from the US Foster Care system. We are currently waiting to hear back on a potential match.

- Why were you initially interested or intrigued by our parenting classes?

We had done enough reading about children who had come from backgrounds of abuse and neglect to be sufficiently scared into finding out how to create an environment of peace, healing and love for the child and get them to a place of trust where they could integrate into our family and become a productive member of society.

- What caused you to take “a leap of faith,” so to speak, and try our class?

Beyond Consequences was recommended to us by our Project 1.27 Adoption Process Manager and was also praised by our Bethany Christian Services 
social worker.

I bought the books (Volumes 1 & 2) back in February and signed up for the email list. We were unable to attend the March training in Denver, so when my husband and I saw the online course,logistically speaking, it was a no-brainer.

- Are we meeting your expectations or exceeding them? How so?

You are exceeding our expectations just by conducting an online Webinar! My husband works from home on Wednesdays, so we both get the training simultaneously with me on the computer and him on an extension in his office. We then discuss what we learned afterward over lunch.
The second session with the “Cheerios” role play really hit home for my husband. Hearing a live reenactment of a possible scenario with our new child and what that really sounds like made a strong impression on him and changed the “theory” into “reality.”

- How would you describe the support you’ve gotten from us?

We haven’t needed much support ourselves since we are still waiting for our child and all this is still “theoretical” for us, but we definitely see the incredible support you give members of the group via the online chat, online phone sharing, email and Ning group.

- Overall why would you recommend our parenting class to others?

The Beyond Consequences model is refreshingly different from most of the scary, hopeless books we read on attachment disorders and ways to address childrens’ behaviors.

Since Beyond Consequences is love-based and helps you see your child as operating from a place of fear rather than a place of evil manipulation, it is full of hope for healing by not feeding more fear into an already fearful child, but by looking at your child and parenting style from a perspective of love, understanding and connection.

It’s cutting-edge and a must read/attend
for all adoptive parents!

Blessings,
Rick & Margie Magar, Foster Parents and soon-to-be Adoptive Parents

This is a tragic story of a single adoptive mother who reached a point of complete overwhelm and hopelessness—way past her window of stress tolerance. If you are not familiar with the news report, here are two links for more information:

http://kstp.com/article/stories/s551355.shtml?cat=1http://ssieferman.homestead.com/index.html

http://wcco.com/crime/stabbing.roseville.daughter.2.801183.html

This tragic event was blamed on the stress of finances and the economy. While this is truly a factor, it is no coincidence that this horrendous situation happened with an adoptive mother. Here is a mother who over six years ago was happy when her daughters came home but something went wrong.

Many of you reading this blog know exactly what happened. Many of you are saying to yourself, “Yeah, I understand how she got to this point.” And the hair stands up on the back of your neck because it is unnerving as a human being to realize that you actually comprehend and understand what it means to get to such a point.

Raising children with traumatic histories coupled with a parent’s own “unfinished business” is what creates this intense dynamic. All too often, adoptive parents go from a place of utter joy, travel half way around the globe, spend thousands of dollars, endure an invasive adoption process, only to find themselves six years later in a place of utter hopelessness, misery, and despair.

Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way anymore! There is hope. There is a way to make all of this different. I know there is both from personal and professional experience! It takes a new understanding of our children, insight into our own reactions, and support around us to make our way back to love. Putting love into action, free of fear, is the answer. Love never fails!

To me, what is more tragic is the media’s lack of response to do a follow-up story to help prevent history from repeating itself. I made numerous calls this past week to the media explaining that this is my area of expertise and offered to speak with them or even travel for an interview in order to create more understanding behind this news story. As many of you know, there is an entire chapter in my book that is devoted to explaining why parents get so hostile and angry. I also have a research study, published in the Journal of Social Work,explaining the stressors adoptive mothers face when raising children with special needs (You can read this at:http://www.beyondconsequences.com/issues.pdf).

I even called a publicity agency with whom I have been in contact but the reply was that they were too busy with other clients. I was willing to pay someone to help me connect with the media, but to no avail!

My efforts have fallen onto deaf ears, so I am asking you to help me. Would you do that for me? Would you write a letter to the editor of one of the major newspapers in Minneapolis, asking them to consider reporting on more than just the gruesome details of this mother and her children? Could you make some phone calls to news stations? Call Oprah for me. Call Jerry Springer if that is what it takes! Somehow, we have to find a way to break through to the public in order to prevent one more family from falling this far into fear.

Thank you for considering this call to action.