Parenting: Acceptance, Tolerance and Allowing
June 26th, 2009
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by Heather Forbes · Filed Under: Parenting Q & A · Parenting eNewsletter
Parenting with Love
Q: My wife and I try to understand and use loving ways. But our child will not listen and uses our loving way to play us and get what he wants so our stress level goes up. As long as he gets his way, he is happy. But once he does not get his way, he starts to fight for control and becomes defiant and aggressive toward us.
A: Many times, we set our intention to be loving and to use loving ways, yet our definition of what love is, has been misaligned. A few words I typically use to define love are acceptance, tolerance, and allowing. Let’s define (or redefine) what each of these words looks like for this particular question.
Acceptance means that your child is going to struggle and he is going to want his own way. Acceptance means that you can offer comfort and understanding, yet your child may not be able to receive this from you.The definition of unconditional love means to give without expecting anything in return. Thus, love is about offering your love yet accepting that your child may not be happy when he doesn’t get what he wants.
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Heather T. Forbes, LCSW has trained in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. Co-author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Children With Severe Behaviors Vol. 1", author of Vol 2 as well as the new "Dare To Love", Heather lectures, consults, and coaches parents and professionals throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.
Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption related issues has come from her most important job, being the mother of her two children (both adopted as toddlers from Russia and both of whom had intense traumatic histories).
Q: My foster son is 14 years old and has been in our home for 2 years. Since being with us, he has been sporadic in his sleep habits, but in the last year, it has gotten worse. His eating patterns are chaotic and he just seems completely out of balance. I’m trying to keep a regular and predictable schedule for him but this just isn’t working.
Q: When trying to embrace my daughter (age 13) during stressful times, I began to realize that she has created crises over and over to receive that kind of love and attention. It ended up whenever I had a plan and it didn’t include her (work, coffee with a friend, etc.), she’d have a crisis (feel sick, kick the wall and insist on a trip to the E.R., lock herself in her room). Then, when I started to include her in everything, she’d sabotage it (push the table over in the restaurant, break equipment at work, ruin clothes in stores at the mall, etc.). I felt like I was being completely controlled and “trained” to focus only on her all of the time. How do you manage that in moderation?