“Why Won’t My Child Believe I love him?”
Negative Belief Systems

Reprinted from Heather T. Forbes’ LCSW eNewsletter

Q:  My son had a terrible early childhood history and constantly tells me he is a bad boy and that nobody loves him.   Yet, no matter how much we tell him what a good boy he is or how much we love him, nothing seems to help.  How can he continually reject these positive messages?

A:  From the moment a child is born, the child is dependent on others to care for him, nurture him, and teach him about the world.  This child has no other option but to trust that the information being given to him is the truth.  He has no filters….he accepts everything as fact.

For a child who goes through early childhood trauma, he lives in a world of false messages that are absorbed as truth.  Everything that is said to him becomes his reality.  Everything that is done to him becomes a reflection of who he is.

For example, if a child is emotionally abused and told he is worthless, that he won’t amount to anything, or that the parent wishes he was never born, this child’s internal belief system develops from these messages.  This child believes he is worthless.  His belief is that he is not lovable and that he should not be on the planet earth.  Neurologically, we know that neurons that fire together wire together.  So this belief system becomes ingrained and accepted at a deep subconscious and neurological level.  These beliefs lay down the neural circuitry that then governs how this child behaves and responds to life events.

We then place this child in a different, more loving family.  He is told that he is wonderful, that he is good, and that he is loved.  The external messages are now in conflict with the internal messages.  Which one do you think is stronger and louder?  Of course, it is the internal voice of negativity that will dominate.

There is a profound gap between what others say and what the child’s internal framework is saying, preventing this child from easily accepting any new messages beyond that which he already knows.  The human brain is programmed to reject any belief that is not congruent (not the same) as one’s own view.

Think about this from your own perspective.  When someone comes up with a different belief than you have, what is your first reaction?  You reject it.  You dismiss this person as being on the fringe and you move on, maintaining your own reality in your mind.  You might even argue with this person, defending your position in order to “save face” and to protect your own belief system.

Now back to the child in this example, the parent then tries to lovingly parent this child and to give this child positive messages of self-esteem and self-worth.  Yet, what the parent doesn’t realize is that the parent is up against the power of belief—up against the child’s neurological mapping.  No matter how many times this parent tells his new son, “I love you.” or “You are a wonderful child.” or similar positive messages, the old belief system of not being worthy and not being good enough continues to prevail.  It is as if these messages are impervious to this child.  These positive messages simply slide off the child as if there is a Teflon coating.

The reason is that these new messages are being given to the child at a cognitive level and are simply cognitive experiences.  Yet, emotions play a powerful role in neural processing, much greater than language and cognition.  In order to break through the old negative beliefs of this child, the parent has to dig deep within himself to interact with this child at a deeply profound emotional level.  Love has the power to do this.

While the emotion of fear keeps this child locked in this negative belief system, it is also true that the emotion of love will release this child from this negative belief system.  It takes parenting this child in a loving, safe, and emotionally available manner.  And it won’t be just one experience, but several experiences, over and over again, with this child being met at an emotional level, in order for new neural pathways to be created.

A new belief system is possible.  It takes time, patience, understanding, tolerance, perseverance, and most importantly, emotional impact.  For more “what to do in the moment” and more explanation on how to do this, my newest book, “Dare to Love” will give you more application into the principles discussed in this eNewsletter.

Love never fails…it simply takes learning how to love our children from their perspective and going beyond routine cognitive experiences.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

As I continue to grow in my own process, learning and experiencing love to a greater level each day, I am including in this month’s eNewsletter my latest reflections. Sometimes we have to step back from the grind of it all and reposition ourselves from a broader perspective. Sometimes simple statements of the truth can have a greater impact than lengthy dissertations of examples. I shared these reflections with the ladies who attended my Mom’s Conference last weekend and received positive feedback. I hope you enjoy them as much as they did.

But if you were looking for a Q&A this month, you’re still in luck. My new book, “Dare to Love,” is filled with questions and answers. If you’re struggling to make Beyond Consequences work in your home, I know this book will be the key to peace and love in your home.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control

P.S. Check out this month’s Ask the Expert interview with C.C. Nuckols. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/ccnuckols/

Bridging the Gap Between Neuroscience and Parenting

At the beginning of this month, I attended a conference in Las Vegas where Dr. Allan Shore was the keynote speaker. His information was amazing! “Thick,” but amazing. By thick I mean it was in-depth, profound, intellectually stimulating, and heavily documented by scientific research.

The premise of his talk was that the repair of the self, or healing,
from early childhood experiences happens in the right hemisphere. The
right hemisphere is our unconscious processor and our emotional self.

He discussed how a child’s brain needs meaningful human interaction to drive the brain’s development and maturity. When these experiences are missed between the child and his caretaker, the neurological pathways are misaligned.

The great news is that repair and realignment of these neurological pathways is possible due to the plasticity of the brain. However, this repair does not come through intellectual or cognitive processing. The primary component of healing is the emotional bond. It has to happen through emotional communication and emotional connection. It is the right-brain-to-right-brain emotional communication that heals. The relationship is the key. In essence, and these are my words, it has to come through love.

Then at the end of this month, I attended the ATTACh conference in Charlotte, NC. I presented to a room of almost 100 parents. The energy in the room was so different from the conference in Las Vegas. At the ATTACh conference, the room was filled with parents struggling everyday just to get the basics of life accomplished, each desiring more information to be able to go back home and move out of a place of survival into a place of living. Yet, in Las Vegas, the atmosphere was more relaxed. The day was about informational learning and listening to the latest in scientific research. It was a day off work to earn continuing education credits then a night out in Vegas catching a show and having a nice dinner.

As I type this blog, I realize that we need to focus on bridging the gap between the intellectual and scientific understanding of trauma and the “real-life” parenting of trauma. The two need to come together in a more coherent way in order to put neurological science into action. Showing slides and talking about current neuroscience literature doesn’t necessarily mean that the quality of life in families is being improved.

As I look back and realize the incredible contrast between these two trainings, I realize more than ever my mission in life. This is the essence of my work at the Beyond Consequences Institute — to bridge the gap between neuroscience and parenting. Wow! This gets me fired up and rejuvenated to create more resources and ways to support you and other families.

If you have any ideas of how to I can help you or other families bridge this gap, post a note here. What more is needed to learn how to create these “right-brain-to-right-brain” interactions in your home? I welcome your feedback!