“Why Won’t My Child Believe I love him?”
Negative Belief Systems

Reprinted from Heather T. Forbes’ LCSW eNewsletter

Q:  My son had a terrible early childhood history and constantly tells me he is a bad boy and that nobody loves him.   Yet, no matter how much we tell him what a good boy he is or how much we love him, nothing seems to help.  How can he continually reject these positive messages?

A:  From the moment a child is born, the child is dependent on others to care for him, nurture him, and teach him about the world.  This child has no other option but to trust that the information being given to him is the truth.  He has no filters….he accepts everything as fact.

For a child who goes through early childhood trauma, he lives in a world of false messages that are absorbed as truth.  Everything that is said to him becomes his reality.  Everything that is done to him becomes a reflection of who he is.

For example, if a child is emotionally abused and told he is worthless, that he won’t amount to anything, or that the parent wishes he was never born, this child’s internal belief system develops from these messages.  This child believes he is worthless.  His belief is that he is not lovable and that he should not be on the planet earth.  Neurologically, we know that neurons that fire together wire together.  So this belief system becomes ingrained and accepted at a deep subconscious and neurological level.  These beliefs lay down the neural circuitry that then governs how this child behaves and responds to life events.

We then place this child in a different, more loving family.  He is told that he is wonderful, that he is good, and that he is loved.  The external messages are now in conflict with the internal messages.  Which one do you think is stronger and louder?  Of course, it is the internal voice of negativity that will dominate.

There is a profound gap between what others say and what the child’s internal framework is saying, preventing this child from easily accepting any new messages beyond that which he already knows.  The human brain is programmed to reject any belief that is not congruent (not the same) as one’s own view.

Think about this from your own perspective.  When someone comes up with a different belief than you have, what is your first reaction?  You reject it.  You dismiss this person as being on the fringe and you move on, maintaining your own reality in your mind.  You might even argue with this person, defending your position in order to “save face” and to protect your own belief system.

Now back to the child in this example, the parent then tries to lovingly parent this child and to give this child positive messages of self-esteem and self-worth.  Yet, what the parent doesn’t realize is that the parent is up against the power of belief—up against the child’s neurological mapping.  No matter how many times this parent tells his new son, “I love you.” or “You are a wonderful child.” or similar positive messages, the old belief system of not being worthy and not being good enough continues to prevail.  It is as if these messages are impervious to this child.  These positive messages simply slide off the child as if there is a Teflon coating.

The reason is that these new messages are being given to the child at a cognitive level and are simply cognitive experiences.  Yet, emotions play a powerful role in neural processing, much greater than language and cognition.  In order to break through the old negative beliefs of this child, the parent has to dig deep within himself to interact with this child at a deeply profound emotional level.  Love has the power to do this.

While the emotion of fear keeps this child locked in this negative belief system, it is also true that the emotion of love will release this child from this negative belief system.  It takes parenting this child in a loving, safe, and emotionally available manner.  And it won’t be just one experience, but several experiences, over and over again, with this child being met at an emotional level, in order for new neural pathways to be created.

A new belief system is possible.  It takes time, patience, understanding, tolerance, perseverance, and most importantly, emotional impact.  For more “what to do in the moment” and more explanation on how to do this, my newest book, “Dare to Love” will give you more application into the principles discussed in this eNewsletter.

Love never fails…it simply takes learning how to love our children from their perspective and going beyond routine cognitive experiences.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

A couple of weeks ago, I had the honor of being interviewed on a local radio station here in Boulder (KGNU). Kim Poletti, a mom who has attended some of my trainings, did a wonderful job asking just the right questions.

For this month’s Q&A, I am providing you with the link to this audio recording. It is far more in-depth than what I could write in a typical Q&A. Simply click to listen in: How the Stress of the Economy Impacts Our Children.

Enjoy!

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control

P.S. Check out this month’s Ask the Expert interview with Dr. Ronald S. Federici. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/drfederici

Parenting with Love

Q: My wife and I try to understand and use loving ways. But our child will not listen and uses our loving way to play us and get what he wants so our stress level goes up. As long as he gets his way, he is happy. But once he does not get his way, he starts to fight for control and becomes defiant and aggressive toward us.

A: Many times, we set our intention to be loving and to use loving ways, yet our definition of what love is, has been misaligned. A few words I typically use to define love are acceptance, tolerance, and allowing. Let’s define (or redefine) what each of these words looks like for this particular question.

Acceptance means that your child is going to struggle and he is going to want his own way. Acceptance means that you can offer comfort and understanding, yet your child may not be able to receive this from you.The definition of unconditional love means to give without expecting anything in return. Thus, love is about offering your love yet accepting that your child may not be happy when he doesn’t get what he wants.

As a parent, we have the responsibility to tolerate the entire spectrum of feelings our children have. When we were children, most of us grew up in homes that offered only conditional love. We became programmed to think that it was our job to make our parents happy. Our stress levels increased when we couldn’t do this for them. We then bring this same belief into our role as parents. When our children don’t respond positively to us, we immediately have a stress reaction and feel ineffective (you stated, “…so our stress level goes up”). This is a false, erroneous, and highly ineffective parenting interpretation.

Unconditional love would correct this false belief as you put love into action by allowing. Allowing lets your child be upset without affecting your emotional state. It is not about being detached and just saying, “Whatever, he’s not happy. That’s his issue.” Being a loving parent means simply holding the space for your child to be unhappy, allowing him to be human, to experience a range of feelings, and allowing him to be in his own process, while staying connected and in a trusting and loving state.

When we don’t allow and instead, become stressed out, our children interpret this to mean that they aren’t lovable and that they simply aren’t okay. One of the most important needs we have as children (and adults) is the need to be significant, or simply, the need to be all right. This need is exaggerated and intensified in the internal programming of a child who has suffered trauma and fear earlier in his life.

Your child gets triggered by these feelings of not being all right and turns to more drastic measures such as aggression. Aggression is the quickest way to find significance (negative significance is better than none at all). My first book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 1, has an entire chapter on dealing with aggression that would be extremely helpful to you in this situation.

Remember that being understanding and loving doesn’t mean your child is going to be happy. It is not our responsibility to make our children happy. In fact, we can’t make anyone happy. (That alone should calm your stress level).

Our children need us to establish boundaries yet they need these boundaries held without us adding our own stress into the mixture. When your child is not happy, being an understanding parent and using loving ways, means allowing him to be unhappy, without increasing your stress level.

If you are needing more examples of what this looks like and how to actually do this, I invite you to attend a Beyond Consequences Live training. In these trainings, I use intense role-plays and numerous examples to give you this “experiential knowledge.” These are free trainings, simply with a copy of one of my books. Information is available at: www.beyondconsequenceslive.com.

My new book, Dare to Love, is now available and it gives numerous examples in a series of questions and answers to help you implement authentic love. This and additional parenting resources are available at: www.beyondconsequences.com/store.html.

Every interaction you have with your child has the potential to be a healing moment. When struggles arise, allow yourself the privilege to allow, tolerate, and accept the moment, despite your child’s reactions. Remember, the only people who don’t have problems are those underground. It takes trusting and understanding the power and potential of these problems.

Press on in love and relationship,

Heather T.Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control Vol 1 & 2

As I continue to grow in my own process, learning and experiencing love to a greater level each day, I am including in this month’s eNewsletter my latest reflections. Sometimes we have to step back from the grind of it all and reposition ourselves from a broader perspective. Sometimes simple statements of the truth can have a greater impact than lengthy dissertations of examples. I shared these reflections with the ladies who attended my Mom’s Conference last weekend and received positive feedback. I hope you enjoy them as much as they did.

But if you were looking for a Q&A this month, you’re still in luck. My new book, “Dare to Love,” is filled with questions and answers. If you’re struggling to make Beyond Consequences work in your home, I know this book will be the key to peace and love in your home.

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control

P.S. Check out this month’s Ask the Expert interview with C.C. Nuckols. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/ccnuckols/

Image by CokeeOrg via Flickr

As I sat down this month to write my eNewsletter, I began reading questions that had been submitted by parents online. My son was sitting with me so I asked him what advice he would give parents (my son was adopted as a toddler and is now 15 years old). His insight was beautiful so I’d like to share that with you in this eNewsletter (with his permission, of course) and leave the questions for next month.

Ben, my son, talked about abandonment. He shared how incredibly painful abandonment is for children and how it will always be the biggest piece in his history and in the history of other children who have experienced a break in their relationship with their biological parents.

Here are his words, “Abandonment is the worst possible thing that can happen to you, EVER! Even going to jail is better then being abandoned because at least you fit in there and you’re getting attention. Anything is better than being abandoned.”

Wow! I might be biased, but I thought this was incredibly insightful. If going to jail is better in his eyes than being abandoned, then this truly has to be the worst possible experience for anyone. And if you knew my son and his personality type, the point he was making would be even stronger.

Ben has a “Lion” personality (see Volume 2, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control) and is the type of child who cannot be controlled. He despises being told what to do and how to do it (exactly why I have had to parent him in the Beyond Consequences model). Yet, going to jail and losing this freedom would still be better than the abandonment experience that resides in his heart. Now that is powerful!

He talked about how parents need to understand this dynamic with their children and how giving them understanding and support is critical to their well-being. Not trying to fix it but just being present, is the best thing they can do to provide a supportive and loving environment for their children.

Ben’s point was so on target because the desire for life-long connection is much more than just a desire or a want. It is literally a biological need within us. Science is showing that we are hard-wired as a species to live in community and be in relationships. Relationships ensure our survival. We literally die or go insane if we are not connected to one another.

If your child has experienced abandonment, his need for connection is magnified more than most children, yet at the same time, he is going to be scared of this connection. It is a difficult place to live: needing connection yet being terrified of it at the same time. What your child needs most from you is a relationship with you. Your relationship with him needs to be the number one priority in all interactions with him, which means setting the negative behaviors aside for the moment and giving your child unconditional love in times of heightened stress and behavioral outbursts.

Stay focused on your relationship as this will prevent more abandonment experiences for your child and it’s there that you will be providing the healing connection he or she needs!

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control