“Why Won’t My Child Believe I love him?” Negative Belief Systems

December 4th, 2009
· by Heather Forbes · Filed Under: Parenting Neuroscience · Parenting eNewsletter

“Why Won’t My Child Believe I love him?”
Negative Belief Systems

Parenting & Brain Science

Reprinted from Heather T. Forbes’ LCSW eNewsletter

Q:  My son had a terrible early childhood history and constantly tells me he is a bad boy and that nobody loves him.   Yet, no matter how much we tell him what a good boy he is or how much we love him, nothing seems to help.  How can he continually reject these positive messages?

A:  From the moment a child is born, the child is dependent on others to care for him, nurture him, and teach him about the world.  This child has no other option but to trust that the information being given to him is the truth.  He has no filters….he accepts everything as fact.

For a child who goes through early childhood trauma, he lives in a world of false messages that are absorbed as truth.  Everything that is said to him becomes his reality.  Everything that is done to him becomes a reflection of who he is.

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Heather T Forbes, LCSW, Adoptive Mom, Parenting ExpertHeather T. Forbes, LCSW has trained in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. Co-author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Children With Severe Behaviors Vol. 1", author of Vol 2 as well as the new "Dare To Love", Heather lectures, consults, and coaches parents and professionals throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.

Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption related issues has come from her most important job, being the mother of her two children (both adopted as toddlers from Russia and both of whom had intense traumatic histories).

The Impact of Economic Stress On Our Children & How to Help

July 31st, 2009
· by Heather Forbes · Filed Under: Parenting eNewsletter · Podcasts

Parenting Radio ShowA couple of weeks ago, I had the honor of being interviewed on a local radio station here in Boulder (KGNU). Kim Poletti, a mom who has attended some of my trainings, did a wonderful job asking just the right questions.

For this month’s Q&A, I am providing you with the link to this audio recording. It is far more in-depth than what I could write in a typical Q&A. Simply click to listen in: How the Stress of the Economy Impacts Our Children.

Enjoy!

Press on,
Beyond Consequences Heather T Forbes

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control

P.S. Check out this month’s Ask the Expert interview with Dr. Ronald S. Federici. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/drfederici

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Heather T Forbes, LCSW, Adoptive Mom, Parenting ExpertHeather T. Forbes, LCSW has trained in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. Co-author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Children With Severe Behaviors Vol. 1", author of Vol 2 as well as the new "Dare To Love", Heather lectures, consults, and coaches parents and professionals throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.

Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption related issues has come from her most important job, being the mother of her two children (both adopted as toddlers from Russia and both of whom had intense traumatic histories).

Parenting: Acceptance, Tolerance and Allowing

June 26th, 2009
· by Heather Forbes · Filed Under: Parenting Q & A · Parenting eNewsletter

Happy & Sad

Parenting with Love

Q: My wife and I try to understand and use loving ways. But our child will not listen and uses our loving way to play us and get what he wants so our stress level goes up. As long as he gets his way, he is happy. But once he does not get his way, he starts to fight for control and becomes defiant and aggressive toward us.

A: Many times, we set our intention to be loving and to use loving ways, yet our definition of what love is, has been misaligned. A few words I typically use to define love are acceptance, tolerance, and allowing. Let’s define (or redefine) what each of these words looks like for this particular question.

Acceptance means that your child is going to struggle and he is going to want his own way. Acceptance means that you can offer comfort and understanding, yet your child may not be able to receive this from you.The definition of unconditional love means to give without expecting anything in return. Thus, love is about offering your love yet accepting that your child may not be happy when he doesn’t get what he wants.

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Heather T Forbes, LCSW, Adoptive Mom, Parenting ExpertHeather T. Forbes, LCSW has trained in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. Co-author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Children With Severe Behaviors Vol. 1", author of Vol 2 as well as the new "Dare To Love", Heather lectures, consults, and coaches parents and professionals throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.

Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption related issues has come from her most important job, being the mother of her two children (both adopted as toddlers from Russia and both of whom had intense traumatic histories).

Simple Parenting Truths

May 22nd, 2009
· by Heather Forbes · Filed Under: Heather's Thoughts · Parenting Neuroscience · Parenting eNewsletter

Simple Parenting TruthsAs I continue to grow in my own process, learning and experiencing love to a greater level each day, I am including in this month’s eNewsletter my latest reflections. Sometimes we have to step back from the grind of it all and reposition ourselves from a broader perspective. Sometimes simple statements of the truth can have a greater impact than lengthy dissertations of examples. I shared these reflections with the ladies who attended my Mom’s Conference last weekend and received positive feedback. I hope you enjoy them as much as they did.

But if you were looking for a Q&A this month, you’re still in luck. My new book, “Dare to Love,” is filled with questions and answers. If you’re struggling to make Beyond Consequences work in your home, I know this book will be the key to peace and love in your home.


You have to change the pattern, in the
moment, in that emotional state.

___________

You have to get to what is real in
your life because if you don’t your
children will do it for you!

____________

Violence is the easiest way to find
significance and attention.

____________

Disappointment creates drive if you
don’t let it destroy you.

____________

You gotta go deeper — to the
bone marrow of the soul.

____________

Your children need you to know you’re
awesome so they can then rediscover
their awesomeness that was lost.

____________

Learning is the creation of a relationship.

____________

Whatever you focus on, you feel.
(Stop focusing only on the negative.)

____________

Just be yourself and be there.

____________

Strong relationships are built
by being vulnerable.

____________

Authenticity builds trust.

____________

If children can’t get attention
in a positive way, they’ll get
it in a negative way.

____________

Love needs to matter
more than respect.

____________

If you show up for your child
in a different state, he can
only be different.

____________

When you are in a loving state, you automatically do the right thing.

____________

Your children are not their behavior.

____________

The limits we experience are the limits
we impose on ourselves… we are
the ones who create them.

____________

Perfection is the lowest
standard any human can have.

____________

Your children are begging you
to break down your walls
so they can break down theirs.

____________

You have to understand the
power and potential of problems.

____________

Press on,

Heather T Forbes

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control

P.S. Check out this month’s Ask the Expert interview with C.C. Nuckols. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/ccnuckols/

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Heather T Forbes, LCSW, Adoptive Mom, Parenting ExpertHeather T. Forbes, LCSW has trained in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. Co-author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Children With Severe Behaviors Vol. 1", author of Vol 2 as well as the new "Dare To Love", Heather lectures, consults, and coaches parents and professionals throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.

Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption related issues has come from her most important job, being the mother of her two children (both adopted as toddlers from Russia and both of whom had intense traumatic histories).

The Impact of Abandonment

January 13th, 2009
· by Heather Forbes · Filed Under: Childhood Trauma · Parenting eNewsletter

lonely childImage by CokeeOrg via Flickr

As I sat down this month to write my eNewsletter, I began reading questions that had been submitted by parents online. My son was sitting with me so I asked him what advice he would give parents (my son was adopted as a toddler and is now 15 years old). His insight was beautiful so I’d like to share that with you in this eNewsletter (with his permission, of course) and leave the questions for next month.

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Heather T Forbes, LCSW, Adoptive Mom, Parenting ExpertHeather T. Forbes, LCSW has trained in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. Co-author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Children With Severe Behaviors Vol. 1", author of Vol 2 as well as the new "Dare To Love", Heather lectures, consults, and coaches parents and professionals throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.

Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption related issues has come from her most important job, being the mother of her two children (both adopted as toddlers from Russia and both of whom had intense traumatic histories).