Join Heather T. Forbes, LCSW and Dr. Ronald Federici as they discuss the dynamics in transitioning these children from disaster to safety and security.

Haiti Orphan Adoption:

Ensuring a Successful Transition

Haiti adoption interest has spiked after the disastrous earthquake and aftershocks in Haiti. The U.S. State Department is helping to expedite the placement of children into their adoptive homes.

While this is a victory for the children of Haiti, it is also vitally important that these adoptive families be given the resources, knowledge, and support they need in order to ensure a successful transition for these doubly traumatized children.

In response to the crisis, you are invited to listen in on this discussion regarding the orphans being adopted out of this country: http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/haiti/

Join Heather T. Forbes, LCSW and Dr. Ronald Federici as they discuss the dynamics in transitioning these children from disaster to safety and security.

“These children who have come out of Haiti have experienced double trauma and are in deep survival mode,” says Forbes. “Parents have got to have realistic expectations of the child and make their world very small, focusing first on physical safety, security and establishing trust.”

Forbes’ Beyond Consequences Institute is offering a free support group for parents who are adopting a child from Haiti and connect with other parents going through this process.

For more information on the support group or to arrange an interview with Forbes, contact Moya Smith at 407-965-1131.

For similar discussions in parenting traumatized children, see:
Dr. Bruce Perry & Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

About the Beyond Consequences Institute:
Mission: To provide every child the opportunity to be parented out of love, ending the myth that a child can only respond and bond to a parent through fear-based parenting.

The Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC, educates and provides resources for helping children with severe acting out behaviors. Many of these children have been previously diagnosed with such disorders as reactive attachment disorder, bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, depression, and the list goes on and on.

Most traditional techniques accepted amongst nationally recognized professionals in this field are fear-based and child-blaming. While some of the traditional techniques may seem to help in the short-run, in the long-run, they simply create more fear in the parent-child relationship, many times resulting in chaotic and unsafe homes.

BCI promotes a groundbreaking approach that has helped even the most difficult of family cases find stability and healing. Based on scientific research, the Beyond Consequences Model provides a simple yet powerful model for helping children with severe behavior. The Beyond Consequences Model has been shown over and over to help families find the healing that they have been looking for after years of “trying everything and nothing worked.”

Image by CokeeOrg via Flickr

As I sat down this month to write my eNewsletter, I began reading questions that had been submitted by parents online. My son was sitting with me so I asked him what advice he would give parents (my son was adopted as a toddler and is now 15 years old). His insight was beautiful so I’d like to share that with you in this eNewsletter (with his permission, of course) and leave the questions for next month.

Ben, my son, talked about abandonment. He shared how incredibly painful abandonment is for children and how it will always be the biggest piece in his history and in the history of other children who have experienced a break in their relationship with their biological parents.

Here are his words, “Abandonment is the worst possible thing that can happen to you, EVER! Even going to jail is better then being abandoned because at least you fit in there and you’re getting attention. Anything is better than being abandoned.”

Wow! I might be biased, but I thought this was incredibly insightful. If going to jail is better in his eyes than being abandoned, then this truly has to be the worst possible experience for anyone. And if you knew my son and his personality type, the point he was making would be even stronger.

Ben has a “Lion” personality (see Volume 2, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control) and is the type of child who cannot be controlled. He despises being told what to do and how to do it (exactly why I have had to parent him in the Beyond Consequences model). Yet, going to jail and losing this freedom would still be better than the abandonment experience that resides in his heart. Now that is powerful!

He talked about how parents need to understand this dynamic with their children and how giving them understanding and support is critical to their well-being. Not trying to fix it but just being present, is the best thing they can do to provide a supportive and loving environment for their children.

Ben’s point was so on target because the desire for life-long connection is much more than just a desire or a want. It is literally a biological need within us. Science is showing that we are hard-wired as a species to live in community and be in relationships. Relationships ensure our survival. We literally die or go insane if we are not connected to one another.

If your child has experienced abandonment, his need for connection is magnified more than most children, yet at the same time, he is going to be scared of this connection. It is a difficult place to live: needing connection yet being terrified of it at the same time. What your child needs most from you is a relationship with you. Your relationship with him needs to be the number one priority in all interactions with him, which means setting the negative behaviors aside for the moment and giving your child unconditional love in times of heightened stress and behavioral outbursts.

Stay focused on your relationship as this will prevent more abandonment experiences for your child and it’s there that you will be providing the healing connection he or she needs!

Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control