I was born and raised in Vero Beach, Florida. I grew up with three older brothers and a fraternal twin sister. The best memories of my childhood are going to the beach, riding horses, and visiting with my grandparents.

Yet, apart from these good memories, memories of growing up with little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents and feelings of being “invisible” within a family system are even more prevalent. (And I share this with you because these difficult memories are an important part of who I am today and why I am so passionate about the work that I do). As a child, I found connection and validation through academics and graduated at the top of my class. Following high school, I attended the University of Florida and earned a bachelor’s degree in architecture and a master’s in construction management.

After working for ten years in the field of architecture, I woke up one morning with this pulling desire to be a parent. Due to numerous health issues and operations in my past (all a result of growing up in a stressful environment), adoption became the way to motherhood. Following countless phone calls and long nights working on paperwork, four months later I found myself in Russia meeting my son, an adorable 2 ½ year old little boy.

This was a major turning point in my life. Motherhood became the most difficult task I had ever undertaken. I had accomplished any goal I set my mind to in the past. Focus, self-discipline, and pure determination had been my tools to success. Yet, in the first six months of motherhood, nothing I had used in the past was working. Nothing-nothing was working. In fact, it was only getting worse.

Out of pure insanity or complete denial, I was in Russia a year and a half later, adopting again! This time I was meeting my daughter, a beautiful 4-year-old little girl. She was completely different, yet in the back of my mind, I kept hearing, “She’s too good…there is something very wrong here.”

As you can imagine, I had created quite a situation within a very short amount of time. After late nights of research, consultations with “experts,” and at least 200 books on attachment and bonding, I was still at a complete loss of how to bring peace into our home.

Late nights of research turned into late nights of curling up on the bathroom floor, crying in a complete state of helplessness. Yes, I’ve been there on the floor with you, feeling terrified of the future and feeling as if life was no longer worth living!

I decided that since I was doing all this research, I should return to school and change my career path. Looking back, I was simply returning to the environment that I knew in my early years that had sustained me through stress–academia. I earned a master of social work and sought training in the area of attachment and bonding.

After working to first change myself and the interpretation of my children’s behaviors, I was then able to parent in a whole new way. It also required intensive healing of my past childhood experiences in order to be able to become emotionally available to my children’s pain and fear. I came to realize that if you want to change something in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. And when you look to make this change, it takes doing it with love.

It took learning to love myself. First, though, it required a true understanding of the essence of love. We cannot give something we don’t understand or something we have not yet received. Loving yourself is the key to being able to love others unconditionally, without requirements. This is especially essential to parenting a child with a trauma history who simply does not have the capacity to receive love or reciprocate love due to the intensity of his/her internal pain and fear.

When unconditional love is put into action, it truly is the “cure” to creating peace in the home. It simply takes learning how to put it into action. Traditional parenting techniques are fraught with fear, disguised as love. Shifting your perspective to allow the light of love to overcome the darkness of fear is the only way.

My children are teenagers now and I have a wonderful relationship with both of them (How many parents do you know with teenagers who actually enjoy their company?). My children are more emotionally intelligent than most adults and they understand the dynamics of human interactions beyond their years. Their early experiences of abandonment, abuse, and neglect have been integrated into who they are and they are better individuals today because of their pasts. That’s the power of love!

If you are struggling with the effects of trauma in your home, I want this level of healing for you. I am passionate about providing the resources and understanding you need to make your family work for you. It is hard work. It is a journey of commitment and tenacity. Yet, it is what life is about – loving relationships. You aren’t living unless you are emotionally attuned to both yourself and to those around you.

I am committed to helping families and changing the false traditional interpretation of how to love and discipline children. There is a way to pull out of the depth of pain that resides in so many families (and perhaps your family). I hope you’ll join me on this journey to bring love back into a world that is living in too much fear and pain. Love never fails!

When “in the moment” your child is in his right brain, unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking. Image by cloois via Flickr

I wanted to share this email that I received from one of our online parenting class participants, who originally began studying my work to help kids in orphanages and found it was “ideal and needed” for her own family’s healing…

“Just want to say that
i love the course and that i’m getting a lot out of it. I have had some
really big breakthroughs on a personal level regarding my own trauma
growing up and how this has affected my parenting. I actually took this
parenting course just so that i could be a better mum to my biological
children (two boys aged 21-months and 4-yrs). I had suspected that my 4
year old has had trauma and it’s through doing this course and reading
Heather’s book and watching the DVDs that has highlighted this.

Read the rest of this entry »

Heather and Andrea,

At the beginning I was skeptical about the Beyond Consequences method.

I believe there is no “magic wand” that you can wave, and everything is roses (with no thorns).

Read the rest of this entry »

Online Parenting Class Testimonial from Karen Adams, Beyond Consequences Instructor

- Tell us a little about yourself

I am a bio mom of adult kids, a former special needs and therapeutic foster parent, and a new adoptive mom. I am choosing to adopt children from US foster care that are already “labeled” with diagnoses including RAD, PTSD, ADHD, FAS, Mental Retardation, Adjustment Disorder of Childhood.

Read the rest of this entry »

Image by tapperboy via Flickr

“My husband Reed and I are parents of Courtney, age 10, adopted from Belarus at age 12 months. I’ve been familiar with the Beyond Consequences Institute parenting paradigm for about a year, but it didn’t really click until I attended a BCI Live presentation last spring. There’s nothing like seeing this method in action and actually being able to role play scenarios that might happen with your child.

The on-line parenting classes provide this same opportunity — on a weekly basis! I was very anxious and dysregulated about the new school year, so I decided to enroll in the on-line class right before school started.

That decision is one of the best I’ve ever made.

For the first time, I went to the school armed with techniques for use by both the classroom teacher and special school district teachers.

I finally felt like the expert on my own child!

These extremely cost-effective parenting classes are worth every penny and moment of your time.”

Brenda Murphy-Niederkorn

Happy October 1st! With only three months left until the end of the year,
I’m sending you this note with all that is happening here at BCI. I hope
you’ll be able to join me for at least one of these events, several of which
are completely fr.e.e.!

You’re cordially invited to join me for the following:

*** Tonight – Thursday, October 1 – F.R-E-E Webinar ****

https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/843402019

If you’re a mom and want to know more about my Mom’s Conference coming
up in a few weeks, I hope you’ll join me for this webinar. Don’t let the
word “webinar” stop you. It is VERY easy and a great way for me to be able
to interact with you. This webinar is to give you a better
understanding of what to expect at the Mom’s Conference along
with ways to actually get away from your family for several days
(it is possible!).

I’ll also have other moms who have been to this event in the past be on the
line to give their stories and I’m certain they will take any questions you
have as well.

Connect with me tonight. Here is the time zone breakout:
9:30 pm Eastern
8:30 pm Central
7:30 pm Mountain
6:30 pm Pacific

Even if you can’t make these times, please sign up and you’ll receive the
link to the recording.

BONUS! During this webinar, we will be awarding one family
complimentary attendance for the entire 10-week Beyond Consequences
Online parenting course (a $197 value). You need to be present to win!
Space is limited, please register now.

https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/843402019

*** Intensive Two-Day Training – October 16-17, 2009 – Orlando, FL ****

www.intensivetwodaytraining.com

This is the last two-day intensive training until June 2010. The Training in
Virginia Beach last month was amazing and life transforming (not my words…
this is what many participants told me).

The training is designed to give you a deeper understanding of the Beyond
deeper understanding of the Beyond Consequences Model. Learn more of
what to do “in the moment” and how to respond with love instead
of react from old patterns of fear and frustration. By attending
this training, you can also purchase my 10-session BCI training manual this
is complete with a DVD set in order to teach parenting classes in your
community or agency.

This training is being held right on Disney Property! It is a wonderful
place to stay and you won’t even have to rent a car. If you stay at a Disney
Resort, they pick you up at the airport. We’re even arranging for you to
have food provided during the day of the training. Just come and enjoy the
two days and leave feeling equipped and empowered to return home to bring
you and your family to the next level of love and relationship.

I’ve cut the cost because I know this recession is hitting families hard!
For just $297, you can come either by yourself or with your spouse
or partner. Seriously, no extra charge for the two of you together! For more
information, log into: www.intensivetwodaytraining.com

*** Beyond Consequences Classroom ****

With my colleague, Eric Guy, LSW, BCI is moving into the classroom!
We have several trainings coming up this fall that might be in your local area.

Check out our new website for more information at:
www.allchildrenwanttolearn.com

Here are two upcoming events:

Monday, October 5, 2009
8am-4pm MDT
Snow College
Richfield, Utah 84701
***Registration fee: $10 – includes lunch***
contact: Teresa Robinson – (435)896-8415

Saturday, November 7, 2009
9 am – 4 pm
Central Christian School
Dalton, OH
FR.E.E! Sign up at: www.allchildrenwanttolearn.com

*** October 7, 2009 – Online Parenting Classes Begin Next Week ****

My online 10-week parent training is going incredibly well! These classes are a way
to get the support you need without the expense or stress of traveling and leaving
home. These trainings are live with me. With the use of technology, they are very
interactive, informative, and fun classes!

These are great classes for dads, moms, grandparents, case workers, therapists, and
anyone else involved in the life of children with difficult behaviors.

Check the following website for all the information:
www.beyondconsequencesonline.com

Also, if you want to join us at no charge for our first class, we invite you to come
and check it out. This first class is a “How To & FAQ class” and you can see what this
whole ‘webinar’ thing is all about!
Sign up at: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/701657858

*** Beyond Consequences LIVE! ****

I have two more Beyond Consequences LIVE! trainings remaining this year. These are
my one-day parent training events and the only fee involved is simply a copy of any
one of my parenting books.

Atlanta, GA – October 29, 2009 (CEU’s are available)

San Francisco, November 14, 2009

Sign up at: www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com

We’re also planning out all the details for these events in 2010. We’ll be in
Dallas, TX; Los Angeles, CA; Denver, CO; St. Louis, MO; Salt Lake City, UT;
and Indianapolis, IN. I’ll send details and dates soon!

*** October 23-24, 2009 – Every Day is Mother’s Day Conference ****

Are you in need of deep healing and a weekend of rejuvenation? Are you at the point
of not wanting to be a mom? Do you just need a lift to get back your energy and
passion for being a parent? This conference is designed just for you.

Take advantage of the discounted rate before the registration rate goes back up.
All the information is available at: www.EveryDayIsMothersDay.com

*** Ask the Experts – Free Audio ****

As part of my commitment to keep pulling in the latest research for you, log into
a great interview I had with Dr. Kevin McCauley. You’ll gain a broader understanding
of the brain system and why we act the way we do when we are in survival.
You can get immediate access to this audio at:

www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/kevinmccauley/

Press on!