Parenting: Acceptance, Tolerance and Allowing
June 26th, 2009
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by Heather Forbes · Filed Under: Parenting Q & A · Parenting eNewsletter
Parenting with Love
Q: My wife and I try to understand and use loving ways. But our child will not listen and uses our loving way to play us and get what he wants so our stress level goes up. As long as he gets his way, he is happy. But once he does not get his way, he starts to fight for control and becomes defiant and aggressive toward us.
A: Many times, we set our intention to be loving and to use loving ways, yet our definition of what love is, has been misaligned. A few words I typically use to define love are acceptance, tolerance, and allowing. Let’s define (or redefine) what each of these words looks like for this particular question.
Acceptance means that your child is going to struggle and he is going to want his own way. Acceptance means that you can offer comfort and understanding, yet your child may not be able to receive this from you.The definition of unconditional love means to give without expecting anything in return. Thus, love is about offering your love yet accepting that your child may not be happy when he doesn’t get what he wants.
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Heather T. Forbes, LCSW has trained in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. Co-author of "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Children With Severe Behaviors Vol. 1", author of Vol 2 as well as the new "Dare To Love", Heather lectures, consults, and coaches parents and professionals throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K.
Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption related issues has come from her most important job, being the mother of her two children (both adopted as toddlers from Russia and both of whom had intense traumatic histories).